# 68
Robert Wolter to Brian
May 11, 2009
Hey Brian,
I dunno if you’ve talked to Dev or not, but I’m back in the hospital. Dr. Holsclaw and I really had it out last week about my health. Well I don’t know if it’s just a result of him being older and refusing to change his ways or me just finally giving in, but I’m more committed to getting my health SUPERIOR to what it’s been so I can be out of here. I pasted an email I wrote to friends and family that I wanted to share with you. I’m not sure if you ever feel this way or not, but it’s definitely something I realized I struggled with:
hey everyone.
i wanted to write this email after a little bit of rough day. throughout my life living with CF there have been moments of realizations that my health has changed and the routines and quality of life will be different. today was another one of those moments. i fear that this email will come across as needy or selfish but i feel the need to express the anxieties i have with my evolving health status.
for a long time treatment for my CF was pretty simple. i got sick, went into the hospital for a quick two week “tune-up” of IV meds and extra chest physical therapy and i was pretty much back to my old self. as i’ve gotten older my situation has gotten much more complicated (and extremely frustrating). it’s become a juggling act on how to treat my CF in the best, most logical way. it’s not easy for me, for my doctors, and i’m sure all of you guys. lately when i’ve come into the hospital for treatment for one reason, other complications arise which force me to have longer hospital stays. i’ve come to realize that a big frustration and source of anxiety for me is trying to answer the questions “when are you getting out”, and “how long will you have to be in there?”. at this point the answer is when my body tells me i am good to go. and a lot of times i simply cannot give an answer. i’m not saying this because i’m mad or frustrated at anyone. but this is another watershed moment in my life where i am realizing the imminent changes in front of me.
as i’m sure i’ve told most of you, i’m the luckiest guy in the world to have all of you who care so much for me and have done so much for me. without you i would be a lot worse off. i’m never going to stop reminding you all of that so you’ll just have to deal with it! i guess my point is that i don’t want to feel like i am letting anyone down by missing out on certain activities of plans. you know that saying, “man plans, and god laughs”. well, for me my life is one day at a time, working like hell to get better and never letting CF get the best of me. i don’t want to sound needy or annoyed, but until today i guess i didn’t realize how hard it was for me to answer the questions of when i’m getting out of here honestly because i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just want you to know that i work hard every day to get myself as healthy as possible. so the treatment of my disease now is sort of like an artists painting. how do you know when it’s done? you just know. i can give general assessments but for now it’s a completely subjective determination.
i hope this email made sense and that you got the jist of what i’m trying to get across. i love all of you guys and know that i can rely on you. and you should know that you can expect the same from me. if you hold your index finger to your thumb that’s about how short life is. and i want to make the most of it with the people i love.
xoxoxo.
bobby.
Anyways, I’ve been following the Weathervane stuff and it seems like you guys are making tons of progress. So what will the end result be, or strive to be?
I just found out about this jazz pianist named Aaron Parks. Good stuff, worth checking out if you are into that stuff. It’s new but sounds really unique unto itself.
Alright hope you are feeling well and everything is good.
Bobby.
ps- i am in a good frame of mind and dont want you to think i’m down and out. i mean, this sux, but on the whole i’m good.