# 74
Brian D. McTear to me
May 14, 2009
Hey -
Thinking about dying is weirdly comforting, and I am sure you know I am not trying to sound morbid. Every time, for instance, that I get on an airplane, I press my forehead against the window and think about it for the entire flight. It’s not depressing, and it’s certainly not about self-pity. It’s just interesting to contemplate, and since it’s at least a somewhat familiar topic, one that normally brings a lot of fear to others, I don’t know…it is nice that it doesn’t, sometimes. Does that make sense? Regardless, it still makes me a little sad hearing you talk about it, even though I know the obsession.
You mention “borrowed time” and I know what you mean, but what an array of counter-concepts there are on this one! I mean, on one hand you could say that science is only giving us back what’s been “unfairly” taken away! I can almost say with certainty that this is how my parents would feel, or our friends, or Marianne and Giovanna, Dr. H and Dr. H! I don’t like this one, because I don’t want to feel like a victim.
And while life can be romanticized as being a gift that really implies God as the giver… I don’t know why this makes me slightly wince. I guess I want God to be inside me, and inside you….inside everyone (the “collective” you talk about). Not just “I’m thinking about this thing, his name is God… HE’s in my heart” etc, but “I did this!”… “I make my existence”… This is not exactly a choice or anything, but I want to feel that some part of me, really deep down and really objectively aware, decided on this life for some reason. I want to trust that, and do my best to “go with it”, even though a lot of it really sucks sometimes.
I fully agree with you about relationships. Knowing and loving is so important, and I have to tell you that this relationship you and I have made is so incredibly important to me. I feel so lucky that the two of us, never having met in the flesh actually know each other and care about each other in such a unique way! And I know what you mean about relationships with our caregivers. Marianne and Giovanna must wonder why I used to come in once a year, and maybe went a couple years without coming in at all, but then a couple little things happen and I want to come in all the time!
On a somewhat related note, any time I hear people say bad things about doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc., it makes me terribly angry, as I feel like I can attribute my very survival over the last ten years to these very people! Don’t get me wrong, the system has a lot wrong with it, but there is simply no way I am going to say bad things about our doctors!
Part of the thing with “Jesus” as opposed to “God”, and the reason the concept is not fully transitive (ie. If a=b and b=c, then a=c) is that even the purest of heart want to retain “ownership” of their God concept, and God in general. I think it’s a great innovation of Christianity that “WE ALL should know and love Jesus”, but secretly, “ONLY I KNOW Jesus, really”… And maybe “Jesus” is sort of a brand name when it comes to God. Jews, Muslims, and Christians all believe in God, but Jesus is the special brand of Christianity.
I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, or dismissive. Again, for me I want to believe that we’re all part God… Both the same God, and our own little unique God as well. I guess that’s ME wanting to retain ownership of my God concept, too!
I hope you feel good today! Let’s talk soon! I want to show you the songs we’ve recorded for WV. They were just mastered yesterday!
Love, B