From Bobby to Brian

Aug 4, 2009

Hey.

So a few things have happened over the past few days that have kind of really put my life into focus the past week.

Situation One:
The other night Luke (my little 9 year old brother) was in my room just hanging out watching SportsCenter, playing with his football and talking to me about various things going on in his life. I was doing my treatments and he suddenly stopped catching his football and said “Oh Bobby guess what?! I was reading up on Cystic Fibrosis at school and it said that most people with CF the disease goes away around 32 or 35! So, one day in the future you’re probably going to wake up and feel great and you wont have CF anymore!” Brian, I thought I was going to lose it right there. He obviously misread the life-expectancy for people with CF and misinterpreted the reading. I didn’t let him in on what he really read because he truly believes this and is so excited for that day that obviously I am not going to shatter any illusions he has.

Situation Two:
This past weekend I was supposed to go on a trip to Block Island with my friend. Early on in the week though I got a really high fever and decided it was best to stay behind and not physically push my body. It was a good decision, but it made me angry that this CF held me back from having a good time with my friends. As I was weighing the decision whether to go or not I looked at pictures I took from this trip to NYC I went on with the same friends and got so nostalgic. Suddenly my anger turned to fear and sadness that when it’s my time to go I can’t take my friends with me. Over this past year the value of my friendships have grown twice the size of the planet Mars. Without them I don’t know where I’d be or how I would deal with all of this shit. Have you ever experienced friendship like that? Where there are no questions asked, whatever I tell them, whatever decisions I make they support 100%? Not only that, but they push me to be the best I can be and to shoot for the stars no matter WHAT meds or condition I’m on or in.

I guess what I’m talking about is Death. And to tell you the absolute truth, it scares the shit out of me. I’ve looked over the cliff a few times and I don’t exactly remember or could make out what I saw, but I love THIS life. I really do take every moment for what it is and that stupid cliche rings so close to home it’s scary. What really sets me off and calms me down is Art. When I listen to a song, see a movie, see a painting, read a poem, a book, see Ryan Howard hit a homerun…it’s cathartic. I remember when I was 20 and playing music 5 nights out of the week, it was great. Most nights were just a pain and playing to people who didn’t care or we drove 200 miles just to collect a paycheck. But the nights where everything came together and we connected with each other, the audience, ourselves, that is truly something I hope everyone in this world gets to experience at least once in their life. I suppose I’ve found that outlet in other art forms now, but THAT is the reason I don’t want to die. I don’t want to stop connecting to people. I don’t want to be able to not have that feeling anymore.

Damn. This sounds like a really bad journal entry or something. But it’s been building up to this letter this whole week. I know everyone has their time, it’s just a matter of when. I just hope (and I’m probably repeating myself here) I leave something behind that makes people love this life more than if they had not experienced it.

AHHH. I feel better already!

talk to you soon.
b.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 1st, 2009 at 7:00 am and is filed under Death. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.