# 99
From Brian to Bobby
Aug 4, 2009
I’ve experienced similar nostalgia for life before. The end of 2007 into the beginning of 2008 I started becoming really sick with a new infection, Mycobacteria Kansasis. It came on slowly but for some reason we had to rule out other reasons for getting sick and therefore I couldn’t be treated for it for a while. So as it hit harder and harder, I was just getting more and more sad, feeling like “Here we go! This is IT, I guess…”
This one night, it was a Sunday night, because Amy and I were watching the Million Dollar Movie (one of our favorite things to do together, because some of them are SOOOOOO Bad…). This time it was the movie Philadelphia. I don’t know why but as his (Tom Hanks’ character) situation deteriorated, I began to identify more and more with him. It seemed like he was such a great guy (like me, right?), and he was unfairly made to suffer, yet he had so much purpose because of his situation. He was really loved by his circle of friends who accepted him and supported him. It all just seemed so “ME” although, take away AIDS and put in CF. And, again, I was feeling like his rapid deterioration was a lot like what I was experiencing.
At a commercial, I decided to try for a run around my block. it was a warm night for the winter, it was a full moon and it was absolutely clear as a bell, only a few beautifully whispy clouds perfectly positioned around the bright moon. I couldn’t run very far at all. It quickly changed to a walk, and my mind was racing with thoughts of Amy, my friends, my family, singing my songs on stage, helping people make records. I was thinking about all the friends I’ve made MAKING records… all of my BEST friends. I was thinking about old band mates, touring with my friends.
My nostalgia meter was off the scale, and I was feeling so incredibly sad. I couldn’t help but think of dying and what a cryin’ shame the whole thing is….for me and for everyone!
All I can really conclude from this, Bobby, is that we are confronted with our mortality in ways that make our capacity for love and friendship even greater than the average person. And at the same time, this heightened appreciation for life, beauty, love and friendship is itself a blessing. I could CRY at the end of the movie Philadelphia, which doesn’t sound like that much of a stretch, but I am sure I don’t have a lot of 30-something friends who actually cried or would cry during the Million Dollar Movie. It had meaning. I had understanding. Some people have to wait 60 or 70 years to have such emotion. Some people never have it at all.
Dying scares us all. I think it’s the sole reason we can all sympathize with the sick, because we all know sickness can lead to death and death is scary as shit.
This of course is where I revert back to my thoughts on life, death and the concept of time. Death, by my crazy new-age definitions, is only a detail of time, which itself only exists in the physical universe. If we can think of ourselves having non-physical traits and non-physical awareness, then death is simply like getting to the end of a video game. The little character dances, the video streamers all come down the screen like a waterfall, we smile and get up off the couch. Off the time-line we just ARE. I feel like there’s no beginning and no end, we are this incredible package of energy, ideas and awareness and we pick up lives in the physical universe with the intrigue and enthusiasm of someone playing video games.
Dead or alive in this universe, we’re still playing the game from somewhere off the physical system. Wherever or whatever that is, if it’s a place (which it probably isn’t, but let’s just picture it like that for now) then whoever is playing the Bobby Wolter game and whoever is playing the Brian McTear game,… Those dudes are friends eternally without time no matter what!
B