From Bobby to Brian

June 27^th, 2009

Hey,

I’m okay. Yeah last week my dad and my brothers and friends came down to visit and somehow we all ended up watching this ridiculous show. Since there’s nothing else on, I’m watching it again and it’s still stupidly funny, but just not the same without other people.

Today I didn’t really have any visitors, which can be really nice sometimes, but today the walls were definitely closing in on me. I like having my alone time, but it leads me to thinking about things that really stress me out. People are the best distraction for me in those situations.

The thing I’ve been thinking a lot about recently is forgiveness. It seems like there are a lot of people in my life right now that either need forgiveness from someone or need to forgive. It’s a heavy topic and something that may be at the core of a lot of the things we talk about. Spirituality, Death, Life, all revolve (to me) around the premise of doing good in this world and learning from your mistakes and growing spiritually. You need forgiveness to be able to move on in life, sometimes the most meaningful being the ability to forgive yourself. But anyway when I think about all the people that strive for it in my life I wonder what my capacity for forgiveness is. I feel like if you can forgive that is the best gift/thing you can do for anyone.

I’m hoping maybe early next week I can get outta here but Dr. Holsclaw plays it pretty close to the chest when it comes to a release date. I usually find out the day before. Feeling great though. Did I tell you that I’m not going to move into Devin and Ali’s? After all of this, for right now I think it’s better that I be around my family who can keep a close eye on me and feed me in a clean air-conditioned place. I’m also going to start Yoga FOR REAL and my goal is to increase my PFT’s everytime I go into the office.

Have you heard the new Grizzly Bear record? Man, I am obsessed, so good.

How are you feeling? Have things slowed down and are you able to get a little rest?

talk to you soon,

b.

From Brian to Bobby

June 28^th, 2009

I think today you and I should have engaged in a long session of instant messaging or something… It was a really beautiful day but for some reason I was inside the whole time. Mostly doing paper work. Well, next time! Tomorrow is my nephew’s graduation party. He lives out in Lancaster. I am actually really excited to go out there for the party.

Forgiveness is such a heavy topic. Like you said, having the capacity to forgive is a real gift, but there must be something a little bit addictive to feeling hurt because why else would it be so hard? I’d be interested to hear how you think it relates to life and death. Part of me has always thought that hurt, anger, pain (and maybe all purely negative emotions) are really just bodily sensations distantly related to fight or flight instincts, and that they disappear outside of physical reality. There’s something sublime about not being anchored to anger and bitterness, though. The Amish believe forgiveness is an absolute rule.

I am glad to hear you are feeling really good. That makes me feel really good, too! I didn’t know you were forgoing moving into D and A’s but I trust your instincts. I really really love that you are going to start yoga and that you are intent on consistently bringing up your numbers. There is never a better time to do this then when you are feeling really good!

I should start up too… Maybe this is what I need to do it? Hmmmm. I am feeling good, but I should crank it up a notch. I really like Kundalini yoga, though I usually start with these Rodney Yee Ayengar yoga dvds we have.

Keep me posted on what you end up doing. And tell me what’s on your mind with regard to forgiveness.

B

From Brian to Bobby

June 28^th, 2009

You know, I am not convinced that it’s impossible to get back to 2004 for you. It will take a lot of work to get there and a hell of a lot to stay there, but that’s what you and I have to expect. I want to believe that we can be very healthy, we just need to accept that it will take more and more work as we move along.

As far as forgiveness goes, I keep thinking back to Catholic school and first confession. It was this huge pageant that set the stage for a little kid to try to understand the power of forgiveness. I guess you had two or three years of being told you were a sinner, which was enough time for it to really weigh on your soul, at which point you then get this opportunity to feel the weight lifted. As much as I might always take jabs at the church, First confession might be my enduring example of the experience of forgiveness.

The thing about forgiving someone else is that it takes a certain amount of energy to keep up that enmity. You let them off the hook and you no longer have to “hold up” the hook. You need a place to store hurt. If you can empty out that place (or places), then you are lighter.

I kind of imagine that we store negativity in the thin space between our cells, that it flows when the pain is new, but that it eventually slows to a near halt. Even so, it’s still there. It’s a web of energy, and in as much as we want the power and presence it gives us in the moment, that negative residue it hard to extricate. It’s harder the older you get, too. The best thing of course is if you let nothing stick to you. Imagine yourself a smooth surface that nothing can adhere to. Some people are like the fuzzy side to velcro. Don’t be a receptacle to negativity. If you can achieve that, I think you neutralize the power of negativity all together.

(I say it like it’s easy…ha!)

I really do think that these negative feelings are a thing of the physical experience only. I like to imagine that we select the physical experience we want to have, in part, to understand hurt, pain, dispair. Sounds like we’re masochists, but I also think that outside of the physical reality, the time that sadness and dispair have to cripple us is just an illusory blip! We take the trip into the physical world to have that elongated experience.

Jeez…every time I write shit like this, I look back and laugh. I imagine me on Oprah or something. We’ve got to start this book, Bobby! Oprah’s book list is waiting! Ha!

Really, I suppose I have these ideas for my own strength (and a little bit for my own entertainment).

Your dad’s into Rodney Yee! That’s cool. You will like it. It will be hard for the first couple days, but just imagine that in a week you will feel significantly better than today, and so on for weeks to come. That makes it all worth it. I am about to pull out the yoga matt myself!

Talk soon!

B

From Bobby to Brian

Jun 1, 2009

Hey Brian,

So I’ve been reading Victor Frankl’s “Man Search For Meaning” and there was a passage where he talked about pain. Since I’ve been out of the hospital it has been hard, physically and emotionally. I have constant pain, coming from every place; my lungs, stomach, head, muscles. There are ways to control it chemically but even these solutions have their drawbacks. Emotionally, my breakup with _____ is really taking a toll on me. Having essentially been living in a hospital room for the past six weeks with no involvement in the outside world shielded me from real knowledge and reminders of my old life. When I came across this quote I was completely floored.

“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity-even under the more difficult circumstances-to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.”

It has reinforced my mission to make the most of my situation and become “worthy of my sufferings”. We both have obstacles that force us to live our lives much differently than most people and challenges our mettle every single day. Are our lives predetermined or can we choose the direction in which our fate travels? I believe that we can choose and direct the sails of our lives to determine where fate will send them by doing the right thing, by “Doing unto others what you would have done unto you”. I think it is important to leave a positive mark in this world, and I want to keep following the path I set out for myself in the truest and most honest way possible. Keeping my head high and making the best of what life throws at me.

Hope you’re well. Talk to you soon.

Bobby.

Brian D. McTear to me

Jun 8, 2009

Cool man! I am excited to check this out!

Does Dr. H tell you to drink lots of water? I always thought that was just something that everyone says, but now I am beginning to realize HOW IMPORTANT it actually is, for both my digestion and my lung function. Crazy!

Okay, will check out this site!

Excited.

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Jun 8, 2009

yeah i drink TONS of water. i also do home IV fluids to help keep me hydrated. (i have a port, which is SO useful). yeah my digestion has been bugging for over a year or so now. it’s not bowel obstructions like you have, but my pancreas is slowly kicking the bucket. i try to eat small meals periodically throughout the day.

so i am “resigning” from my job this week. i just can’t seem to keep up with my health and carry a job. it’s very strange for me, as i’ve always done something for money and have played music. i’m going to have to cut down on playing out, too. like i said, it’s strange, but it’s also very discomforting because i’ve never been good with change (although, over the past few years i have grown quite accustomed to it!!) but instead of being sad over these changes, i am looking at them as a great opportunity. these writings and other projects that i’ve always put on the back-burner will have a chance to come to fruition.

anyways, what do you think of the site? any criticisms or changes you’d like to make? anything you want to add?

talk to you soon,

b.

Brian D. McTear to me

Jun 8, 2009

Jeez, Bobby. I am sorry it’s one thing after another for you lately. Are you able to get Social Security benefits? I hope you have some way to support yourself.

I think we’re going to have a good time with the blog and thinking of book ideas, and It will be nice for you to be able to work on things so personal and creative, not to mention Redford recordings, and other music as well. Maybe you won’t be playing out as much, but use all the energy you have! Being creative is the best use of energy, especially creativity that celebrates what a good person you are.

I think the site looks great. I like the simplicity.

Love

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Jun 8, 2009

I am just taking it day to day, you know? I feel like I’m in a good place in my life spiritually and mentally so that is what really gets me through the hard times. Sometimes I feel like I come across as depressed or complaining or something but I don’t want you to think that. It IS hard sometimes and there are some very difficult moments but my situation in this life really has shaped who I am and over the past few years I’ve been able to take these challenges and dictate how I will let them affect me.

Fortunately I am going to be eligible for SS/Disability and I’ll get a check every month.

I am really excited to work on all of these creative projects!

I wanted to ask you kind of a personal question, and feel free to let me know if you don’t want to share, I wont be offended at all. You and Amy have been together for a long time, right? Has your CF had any ramifications on your relationship? As I’m still going through all different kinds of emotions and thoughts on my break-up with _____, I feel like my CF definitely played a factor in our parting ways. In the end, it really was for the best but I keep thinking that if I was healthy things would have turned out differently. Probably not, but then when I think about any sort of future relationship I get a little anxious wondering if there is someone out there who could deal with my whole situation. Anyways, I’m not fishing for sympathy or anything, just a little perspective on what it’s like for another person in a similar situation. And also, if you don’t want to talk about it, that is totally cool.

Ok hope you’re well.

love,

b.

Brian D. McTear to me

Jun 9, 2009

Hey

Well, I am glad you can have a day by day approach. I find your attitude inspirational, Bobby. And you know, even though you do NOT come across as depressing or complaining, let me just say that we’re all entitled to “down moments” and a complaint session every now and then. So if you want to “break character” and be a little pissed off, please don’t apologize. I think we should agree that anything goes in that department for both of us.

Also, I am okay with anything as far as posts go. I wouldn’t mind posting THIS message.

I had a relationship come to an end when I was 26, just as a great friend suffered a terrible terrible tragedy, my band of 8 years was just breaking up AND I was starting to have hemoptysis for the first time (which was really hard for me). My girlfriend at the time was a great woman, and though she was a few years older than me, she had never been in love… Everything about it made me feel like it was all meant to be forever.  the relationship was very influential on who I am today, honestly, for lots of reasons, so it was hard to understand why we were breaking up. But she was also Indian and Muslim, and came from a family with some pretty heavy internal baggage. In the midst of what I was going through with my health, I just couldn’t help but feel like it was because of that, but with all the time since, I really think it was more than that.

Shit. That seems like it’s made up when I go back and read it. Swear to god…it all happened. Her name was Sabina (I could probably insert a facebook profile link here, but we’ll save that for the blog, right?)

I don’t know what to say about the way things ended for you and _____ except that there’s probably more to it than just your health. That’s certainly a dominant detail in your life and probably a biggy in the relationship, but there’s also the whole rest of your history, with and without eachother. None of it makes breaking up any less sucky. Having said all that, I don’t think it should be a forgone conclusion that you won’t be able to meet someone else. No matter what your situation you will meet someone else for whom you are right and who is right for you RIGHT NOW. Long relationships always have history working for and against them, but new relationships start in the present, which really gives the past and future a run for their money.

So are you in at Devin and Ali’s? Are you going to keep living there? I guess why wouldn’t you? Not working shouldn’t change any of that. Let some light in that place, though. You need sunlight! Get outside. Take walks! Please try yoga with someone who will be mindful of your condition. I swear, it is great and you will feel better. “Better” is better than “same”, right?

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 11, 2009

Hey Brian,

I dunno if you’ve talked to Dev or not, but I’m back in the hospital. Dr. Holsclaw and I really had it out last week about my health. Well I don’t know if it’s just a result of him being older and refusing to change his ways or me just finally giving in, but I’m more committed to getting my health SUPERIOR to what it’s been so I can be out of here. I pasted an email I wrote to friends and family that I wanted to share with you. I’m not sure if you ever feel this way or not, but it’s definitely something I realized I struggled with:

hey everyone.

i wanted to write this email after a little bit of rough day. throughout my life living with CF there have been moments of realizations that my health has changed and the routines and quality of life will be different. today was another one of those moments. i fear that this email will come across as needy or selfish but i feel the need to express the anxieties i have with my evolving health status.

for a long time treatment for my CF was pretty simple. i got sick, went into the hospital for a quick two week “tune-up” of IV meds and extra chest physical therapy and i was pretty much back to my old self. as i’ve gotten older my situation has gotten much more complicated (and extremely frustrating). it’s become a juggling act on how to treat my CF in the best, most logical way. it’s not easy for me, for my doctors, and i’m sure all of you guys. lately when i’ve come into the hospital for treatment for one reason, other complications arise which force me to have longer hospital stays. i’ve come to realize that a big frustration and source of anxiety for me is trying to answer the questions “when are you getting out”, and “how long will you have to be in there?”. at this point the answer is when my body tells me i am good to go. and a lot of times i simply cannot give an answer. i’m not saying this because i’m mad or frustrated at anyone. but this is another watershed moment in my life where i am realizing the imminent changes in front of me.

as i’m sure i’ve told most of you, i’m the luckiest guy in the world to have all of you who care so much for me and have done so much for me. without you i would be a lot worse off. i’m never going to stop reminding you all of that so you’ll just have to deal with it! i guess my point is that i don’t want to feel like i am letting anyone down by missing out on certain activities of plans. you know that saying, “man plans, and god laughs”. well, for me my life is one day at a time, working like hell to get better and never letting CF get the best of me. i don’t want to sound needy or annoyed, but until today i guess i didn’t realize how hard it was for me to answer the questions of when i’m getting out of here honestly because i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just want you to know that i work hard every day to get myself as healthy as possible. so the treatment of my disease now is sort of like an artists painting. how do you know when it’s done? you just know. i can give general assessments but for now it’s a completely subjective determination.

i hope this email made sense and that you got the jist of what i’m trying to get across. i love all of you guys and know that i can rely on you. and you should know that you can expect the same from me. if you hold your index finger to your thumb that’s about how short life is. and i want to make the most of it with the people i love.

xoxoxo.

bobby.

Anyways, I’ve been following the Weathervane stuff and it seems like you guys are making tons of progress. So what will the end result be, or strive to be?

I just found out about this jazz pianist named Aaron Parks. Good stuff, worth checking out if you are into that stuff. It’s new but sounds really unique unto itself.

Alright hope you are feeling well and everything is good.

Bobby.

ps- i am in a good frame of mind and dont want you to think i’m down and out. i mean, this sux, but on the whole i’m good.