Hey Everyone,
So we are having a fundraiser with light food/drinks and some musical entertainment. A list of performers will follow once its confirmed.
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The Gift
From Bobby to Brian
July 5th, 2009
A WALK
My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance-
and charges us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave…
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.
Translated by Robert Bly
Rainer Maria Rilke
Do you read a lot of poetry? I don’t really but I’ve been reading a lot of Rilke lately. His poetry really speaks to me at this point in my life. It’s one of those things that I wish I had known about much longer ago but came along at just the right time in my life.
I love that poem above. It’s the epitome of what I believe life is all about: the journey. the last line, “what we feel is the wind in our faces” really hit home in a literal sense oddly enough. When I’m in here (the hospital) I go to physical therapy and walk on the treadmill. It always goes pretty well but I never feel challenged really. Then, when I walk the halls I always feel like i exert more. It’s because I’m resisting the wind (or, in the hallways case, the air). You need that! You need the resistance, the challenge, the LIFE!
Chris worries about me. He worries that my life is going to be a constant struggle with breathing and getting around. You really inspired him with the struggles you went through and how you came through all right. I’ve been struggling a long time, but I feel so motivated right now and I feel so good about getting back to my 2004 health, like you said before. And hearing Chris talk about you has really inspired me. These aren’t just empty words, I really mean them. I’m looking ahead to the “sunny hill” and embracing the inner light that is gesturing me towards my goals. Already the past few days have been great. I started practicing some new yoga moves and deep breathing techniques. My need for oxygen has gone down, and I’ve been FEELING good for the first time in a long time.
I’ve always had innate thoughts that I am going to keep going no matter what. That I’m going to break through whatever life puts in my way and until the day I come across something that is too big and too strong for me there is nothing I can’t achieve. My dream is to walk the streets of Paris with the person I love. I’m in training for that, whenever that day may come.
From Brian to Bobby
July 5th, 2009
Lovely words, my boy!
I don’t read a lot of poetry. Unfortunately I was scarred by a pretentious poetry workshop in college. Before that I liked Khalil Gibran a lot. Who do you recommend? Rainer Maria Rilke has been on my list a while now. Any others?
I have a strong belief that you are going to feel at the very least a minor (if not MAJOR) burst of energy from more yoga. I started last Monday, like I mentioned before, and the first thing I realized was how weak my diaphragm had become. I don’t know if you’ve really been able to isolate that muscle, but as soon as I went to use it actively, I thought of you. You may know this stuff already, so forgive me if I am speaking the obvious, but when you use your diaphragm all by itself it can have the appearance of just pushing your stomach out really far. There’s an exercise in Kundalini yoga called “Sut Kria” (I have no idea how it’s spelled), where you sit on your knees, resting your but on your calves, you fold your hands together, point your index fingers and, sitting up straight, you point your index fingers straight up above your head. You then proceed to say “Sut” as you flex your rectum and your navel and then say “Nam” as you relax your rectum and navel. You try to say it with a force. When you get the hang of it you can do it for several minutes and what it demonstrates to me is pure diaphragmatic breathing. You never really have to stop and take a breath. The exercise itself IS breathing, but it doesn’t really look or feel like it.
I thought of you, anyway, because I wonder how much you may gain by working your diaphragm into all your breathing all the time? When I was doing yoga every day a couple years ago I found that when I walked to the studio or did anything, for that matter, I was continuing that mode of breathing and it was great. When I stood in mountain pose the first time Monday morning, I got very little out of my diaphragm in that first moment. It wasn’t until a few minutes in that it was an effective part of the breath. Now, 5 days later I can use it just sitting here writing you an email.
No one knows how long we’ll last, but there’s always the sayings about “siezing the day” or experiencing the moment and “living actively”. When I do yoga I feel like “the moment” is defined by a single breath (either in or out), and the quality of that moment/breath improves the more I do it. So however long I last in this world, this is one way of improving the moments between now and the end. And Jeez, it’s only been 5 days and my whole body…my legs, my back, my chest… They all just feel like they “fit” together better. It’s like they are holding each other up, rather than hanging off of one another. My flexibility in one week is 30 times better than what it was. I had a lot of help from Amy years back, so I feel like I have a thorough sense for the principles. If you can, see if you can take a class, or at least go through one of the videos with a person who can straighten you out here and there.
I am glad Chris felt better talking to me. He’s a great dude. I thanked him for so obviously being such a good friend to you. Everyone can benefit by friends. It’s always a major asset to have someone there for you – You get that extra burst of motivation to be well and stay well for HIM, which is a good thing at times when you might not be able to muster the strength on your own behalf. But that guy (Chris, that is) is extra special in the friend department. You guys are really lucky to have each other!
So I am psyched you are FEELING GOOD. You should invest as much as you can in staying that way, if not in FEELING EVEN BETTER! I am trying to do the same.
Sounds like we can make a pact!
(Pinky-Swear!)
Love
B
From Brian to Bobby
June 28th, 2009
You know, I am not convinced that it’s impossible to get back to 2004 for you. It will take a lot of work to get there and a hell of a lot to stay there, but that’s what you and I have to expect. I want to believe that we can be very healthy, we just need to accept that it will take more and more work as we move along.
As far as forgiveness goes, I keep thinking back to Catholic school and first confession. It was this huge pageant that set the stage for a little kid to try to understand the power of forgiveness. I guess you had two or three years of being told you were a sinner, which was enough time for it to really weigh on your soul, at which point you then get this opportunity to feel the weight lifted. As much as I might always take jabs at the church, First confession might be my enduring example of the experience of forgiveness.
The thing about forgiving someone else is that it takes a certain amount of energy to keep up that enmity. You let them off the hook and you no longer have to “hold up” the hook. You need a place to store hurt. If you can empty out that place (or places), then you are lighter.
I kind of imagine that we store negativity in the thin space between our cells, that it flows when the pain is new, but that it eventually slows to a near halt. Even so, it’s still there. It’s a web of energy, and in as much as we want the power and presence it gives us in the moment, that negative residue it hard to extricate. It’s harder the older you get, too. The best thing of course is if you let nothing stick to you. Imagine yourself a smooth surface that nothing can adhere to. Some people are like the fuzzy side to velcro. Don’t be a receptacle to negativity. If you can achieve that, I think you neutralize the power of negativity all together.
(I say it like it’s easy…ha!)
I really do think that these negative feelings are a thing of the physical experience only. I like to imagine that we select the physical experience we want to have, in part, to understand hurt, pain, dispair. Sounds like we’re masochists, but I also think that outside of the physical reality, the time that sadness and dispair have to cripple us is just an illusory blip! We take the trip into the physical world to have that elongated experience.
Jeez…every time I write shit like this, I look back and laugh. I imagine me on Oprah or something. We’ve got to start this book, Bobby! Oprah’s book list is waiting! Ha!
Really, I suppose I have these ideas for my own strength (and a little bit for my own entertainment).
Your dad’s into Rodney Yee! That’s cool. You will like it. It will be hard for the first couple days, but just imagine that in a week you will feel significantly better than today, and so on for weeks to come. That makes it all worth it. I am about to pull out the yoga matt myself!
Talk soon!
B
Robert Wolter to Brian
Jun 8, 2009
I am just taking it day to day, you know? I feel like I’m in a good place in my life spiritually and mentally so that is what really gets me through the hard times. Sometimes I feel like I come across as depressed or complaining or something but I don’t want you to think that. It IS hard sometimes and there are some very difficult moments but my situation in this life really has shaped who I am and over the past few years I’ve been able to take these challenges and dictate how I will let them affect me.
Fortunately I am going to be eligible for SS/Disability and I’ll get a check every month.
I am really excited to work on all of these creative projects!
I wanted to ask you kind of a personal question, and feel free to let me know if you don’t want to share, I wont be offended at all. You and Amy have been together for a long time, right? Has your CF had any ramifications on your relationship? As I’m still going through all different kinds of emotions and thoughts on my break-up with _____, I feel like my CF definitely played a factor in our parting ways. In the end, it really was for the best but I keep thinking that if I was healthy things would have turned out differently. Probably not, but then when I think about any sort of future relationship I get a little anxious wondering if there is someone out there who could deal with my whole situation. Anyways, I’m not fishing for sympathy or anything, just a little perspective on what it’s like for another person in a similar situation. And also, if you don’t want to talk about it, that is totally cool.
Ok hope you’re well.
love,
b.
Brian D. McTear to me
Jun 9, 2009
Hey
Well, I am glad you can have a day by day approach. I find your attitude inspirational, Bobby. And you know, even though you do NOT come across as depressing or complaining, let me just say that we’re all entitled to “down moments” and a complaint session every now and then. So if you want to “break character” and be a little pissed off, please don’t apologize. I think we should agree that anything goes in that department for both of us.
Also, I am okay with anything as far as posts go. I wouldn’t mind posting THIS message.
I had a relationship come to an end when I was 26, just as a great friend suffered a terrible terrible tragedy, my band of 8 years was just breaking up AND I was starting to have hemoptysis for the first time (which was really hard for me). My girlfriend at the time was a great woman, and though she was a few years older than me, she had never been in love… Everything about it made me feel like it was all meant to be forever. the relationship was very influential on who I am today, honestly, for lots of reasons, so it was hard to understand why we were breaking up. But she was also Indian and Muslim, and came from a family with some pretty heavy internal baggage. In the midst of what I was going through with my health, I just couldn’t help but feel like it was because of that, but with all the time since, I really think it was more than that.
Shit. That seems like it’s made up when I go back and read it. Swear to god…it all happened. Her name was Sabina (I could probably insert a facebook profile link here, but we’ll save that for the blog, right?)
I don’t know what to say about the way things ended for you and _____ except that there’s probably more to it than just your health. That’s certainly a dominant detail in your life and probably a biggy in the relationship, but there’s also the whole rest of your history, with and without eachother. None of it makes breaking up any less sucky. Having said all that, I don’t think it should be a forgone conclusion that you won’t be able to meet someone else. No matter what your situation you will meet someone else for whom you are right and who is right for you RIGHT NOW. Long relationships always have history working for and against them, but new relationships start in the present, which really gives the past and future a run for their money.
So are you in at Devin and Ali’s? Are you going to keep living there? I guess why wouldn’t you? Not working shouldn’t change any of that. Let some light in that place, though. You need sunlight! Get outside. Take walks! Please try yoga with someone who will be mindful of your condition. I swear, it is great and you will feel better. “Better” is better than “same”, right?
B