From Brian to Bobby

August 22, 2009 – 3:08pm
My dear friend,

Your dad called me this morning to tell me what happened last night. I am so sorry for him and your family, and you, of course. You were too young and had too many wonderful and thoughtful things to bring to the world yet.  It’s impossible for me to believe this. Right down to my core, you are bigger than life… 

To  me at this moment you are still here, so I just want to say things to you that I would say to you ALIVE, before I lose this feeling. 

Okay, I want to admit something that you’ll find funny. Nearly every time I wrote to you or responded to your emails, I would actually finish without thought or pretense by saying, “I love you Bobby, – B”. I’d read back the message (’cause they were all good reading, actually, right?), but when I got to the that ending, of course, I’d quick hit the back-space bar. It was such an adolescent reaction on my part. Didn’t want to come across too “touchy-feely”, I guess. 

I know you knew this, of course. But I can assure you that immediately after this, I’m going to comb through everything we said to each other, because I’ll feel so much better if I actually let it slip, just one time.

I’m sad that we’re not going to talk again, at least in this physical reality. If we can talk in some way, any way, you know I’m game! I’m not afraid of ghosts or nothin’, and you know that. Of course I don’t want you to challenge me on this fearlessness, unless it leads to a good laugh on your part! And maybe if I could make a request or two: please check into some of my theories that we’ve talked about, could you? 

I imagine you are where you are, an eternal present. You’re the sum of all that Bobby is and ever was: all aware, all joyful, all as sweet and happy as you ever were and we ever experienced. I’m also kind of imagining there’s some part of me there with you, and some part of all the special people in your life. Physical reality might make us think that this existence is the center of everything, but I am starting to imagine that it’s not just YOU that’s in some other state of existence, that I am there with you (and everyone you know, as well), and perhaps we feel the greatest empathy of all, at this moment,  for the “physical me” and the “physical Kurt” and everyone else who’s in such pain right now here where I’m writing from…

It really is “physical”… “pain” that is, isn’t it? I don’t think your ribs hurt now, obviously, but to go a little further, you’re not sad now, either, or anxious or tired. You’re not frustrated, and while it seemed you couldn’t have a mean thought in that sweet body or yours, if anything like that did exist, I am certain it will become dust in the purely physical world.

You know, I want to say that I am so glad that we started video chatting in the past couple weeks. It was so amazing to hear your voice and see you. It was great to pop in on each other every now and then and talk til we were too tired. Man, I am so glad I got to tell you my slap-stick, wacky “Japanese game show” version of my small bowel obstruction hospital saga. You laughed so hard. That was really fun. 

That was Monday maybe? Gosh, I can’t believe this, Bobby. I really can’t. 

Okay, One last little confession. Years ago, when you were living in Fishtown, I actually saw you at the grocery store. I knew it was you, because you were dressed in the same clothes as your Myspace photo at the time, and you had on an Urban Outfitters shirt (…which I figure only an Urban Outfitters employee would be caught dead in, right?) You were looking in the meat section. Pretty sure you were in front of the steak options, because I was on the other side of an island filled with hams.

When I looked over and realized it was you, I froze up. I wasn’t afraid of contact with you because of cepacia or anything. I was kinda clueless about that stuff at the time. I really just wanted to meet you under more special circumstances than the meat section at the Thriftway (my god, there’s puns flying around like crazy here). As the years went by and I was made aware of the dangers we faced by physical contact, I became scared that you’d think I thought you were “dirty” or something, and nothing could have been farther from the truth. 

I’ve imagined it a million times, how it probably should have gone… I say “Bobby?” And you turn around, as nice and open and honest as I’ve since known you to be. But maybe you’re thinking, WHO’S THIS???? And I say, “It’s me, Brian McTear!” Then we talk across the ham island for as long as we can before our groceries go bad. 

The ham island… It was right there! It was THE MEET SECTION! … What a cosmic joke! A perfect 5 or 6 foot buffer, plenty of space to say hi, but not give each other our germs. And of course we’d agree that neither you would buy a ham for several days, nor would I buy steak! I can’t believe it’s only becoming clear right now…

Well, none of this is to say that we didn’t have an amazing relationship, even if the most of it was in the last eight months of your life. It really was one of the most important things in my whole life, and I know you felt the same. Now, I hope it keeps going somewhere in some other plane. I trust it does. We’ll never talk again here, Bobby, but I really believe that freed up from the line of time-space, you and me are just fine. We’re ALL just fine.

I do love you, Bobby. Thank you so much for such a wonderful friendship.

B

From Bobby to Brian

June 27^th, 2009

Hey,

I’m okay. Yeah last week my dad and my brothers and friends came down to visit and somehow we all ended up watching this ridiculous show. Since there’s nothing else on, I’m watching it again and it’s still stupidly funny, but just not the same without other people.

Today I didn’t really have any visitors, which can be really nice sometimes, but today the walls were definitely closing in on me. I like having my alone time, but it leads me to thinking about things that really stress me out. People are the best distraction for me in those situations.

The thing I’ve been thinking a lot about recently is forgiveness. It seems like there are a lot of people in my life right now that either need forgiveness from someone or need to forgive. It’s a heavy topic and something that may be at the core of a lot of the things we talk about. Spirituality, Death, Life, all revolve (to me) around the premise of doing good in this world and learning from your mistakes and growing spiritually. You need forgiveness to be able to move on in life, sometimes the most meaningful being the ability to forgive yourself. But anyway when I think about all the people that strive for it in my life I wonder what my capacity for forgiveness is. I feel like if you can forgive that is the best gift/thing you can do for anyone.

I’m hoping maybe early next week I can get outta here but Dr. Holsclaw plays it pretty close to the chest when it comes to a release date. I usually find out the day before. Feeling great though. Did I tell you that I’m not going to move into Devin and Ali’s? After all of this, for right now I think it’s better that I be around my family who can keep a close eye on me and feed me in a clean air-conditioned place. I’m also going to start Yoga FOR REAL and my goal is to increase my PFT’s everytime I go into the office.

Have you heard the new Grizzly Bear record? Man, I am obsessed, so good.

How are you feeling? Have things slowed down and are you able to get a little rest?

talk to you soon,

b.

From Bobby to Brian

June 28^th, 2009

Yeah I look out the window a lot these days and wish I could be outside amongst the world. I remember the summer of 2004 was the healthiest of my adult life so far. I rode my bike everywhere and loved taking rides during sunsets. In the summer of 2005 I got really sick and never got back on the bike after that. That’s another thing I hope to do, no matter how much oxygen I need.

Man, forgiveness to me is such a deep feeling that it’s hard to talk about and describe without talking about religion. I have a Quaker heritage in my blood and a big part of their beliefs is peacefulness and  integrity and honesty. I’m not totally sure what their stance of forgiveness is, but living a peaceful life of honesty and integrity surely include the ability to forgive. Growing up in church I always heard the Lord’s Prayer which asks God to forgive us for our trespasses and forgive those who trespass against us. I always wondered what the reasons to forgive were and why I should be forgiven. And if saying this prayer wiped the slate clean, then was it really all there was to it? I found out that it’s not. What I’ve found is that it’s going down to the deepest part of your soul, understanding what it is you are NEEDING and trying to reconcile it the best you can.

I like your idea that negative feelings disappear outside the physical reality because I believe that heartbreak, anger, resentment, pain all are physically debilitating. You can get bogged down in these emotions and they can affect your physical body, and that’s a fact. That’s where I believe forgiveness can help you let go of these emotions not only when you need to be forgiven but maybe even more importantly when YOU need to forgive. The thought I keep coming back to is this though: If the person you are willing/wanting to forgive doesn’t even understand the reason for it, is it worth it? Can you let go of the anger, hurt, pain if it goes unsubstantiated? It’s as if the feelings you are trying to let go of just get sucked into an emotionless black-hole, and in that sense, does it matter? Either way, whatever awaits us after we’ve checked out I hope is devoid of those feelings. If forgiveness = love, then the key element of forgiving/being forgiven is love.

As much as I’ve rambled already, it’s not even scratching the surface. What do you think?

Ayengar yoga! That’s what my parents are going to set me up with when I get out of here. My step dad is way into him.

I’m glad you’re doing well.

Love,

bobby.

From Brian to Bobby

June 28^th, 2009

You know, I am not convinced that it’s impossible to get back to 2004 for you. It will take a lot of work to get there and a hell of a lot to stay there, but that’s what you and I have to expect. I want to believe that we can be very healthy, we just need to accept that it will take more and more work as we move along.

As far as forgiveness goes, I keep thinking back to Catholic school and first confession. It was this huge pageant that set the stage for a little kid to try to understand the power of forgiveness. I guess you had two or three years of being told you were a sinner, which was enough time for it to really weigh on your soul, at which point you then get this opportunity to feel the weight lifted. As much as I might always take jabs at the church, First confession might be my enduring example of the experience of forgiveness.

The thing about forgiving someone else is that it takes a certain amount of energy to keep up that enmity. You let them off the hook and you no longer have to “hold up” the hook. You need a place to store hurt. If you can empty out that place (or places), then you are lighter.

I kind of imagine that we store negativity in the thin space between our cells, that it flows when the pain is new, but that it eventually slows to a near halt. Even so, it’s still there. It’s a web of energy, and in as much as we want the power and presence it gives us in the moment, that negative residue it hard to extricate. It’s harder the older you get, too. The best thing of course is if you let nothing stick to you. Imagine yourself a smooth surface that nothing can adhere to. Some people are like the fuzzy side to velcro. Don’t be a receptacle to negativity. If you can achieve that, I think you neutralize the power of negativity all together.

(I say it like it’s easy…ha!)

I really do think that these negative feelings are a thing of the physical experience only. I like to imagine that we select the physical experience we want to have, in part, to understand hurt, pain, dispair. Sounds like we’re masochists, but I also think that outside of the physical reality, the time that sadness and dispair have to cripple us is just an illusory blip! We take the trip into the physical world to have that elongated experience.

Jeez…every time I write shit like this, I look back and laugh. I imagine me on Oprah or something. We’ve got to start this book, Bobby! Oprah’s book list is waiting! Ha!

Really, I suppose I have these ideas for my own strength (and a little bit for my own entertainment).

Your dad’s into Rodney Yee! That’s cool. You will like it. It will be hard for the first couple days, but just imagine that in a week you will feel significantly better than today, and so on for weeks to come. That makes it all worth it. I am about to pull out the yoga matt myself!

Talk soon!

B

From Bobby to Brian

Jun 1, 2009

Hey Brian,

So I’ve been reading Victor Frankl’s “Man Search For Meaning” and there was a passage where he talked about pain. Since I’ve been out of the hospital it has been hard, physically and emotionally. I have constant pain, coming from every place; my lungs, stomach, head, muscles. There are ways to control it chemically but even these solutions have their drawbacks. Emotionally, my breakup with _____ is really taking a toll on me. Having essentially been living in a hospital room for the past six weeks with no involvement in the outside world shielded me from real knowledge and reminders of my old life. When I came across this quote I was completely floored.

“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity-even under the more difficult circumstances-to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.”

It has reinforced my mission to make the most of my situation and become “worthy of my sufferings”. We both have obstacles that force us to live our lives much differently than most people and challenges our mettle every single day. Are our lives predetermined or can we choose the direction in which our fate travels? I believe that we can choose and direct the sails of our lives to determine where fate will send them by doing the right thing, by “Doing unto others what you would have done unto you”. I think it is important to leave a positive mark in this world, and I want to keep following the path I set out for myself in the truest and most honest way possible. Keeping my head high and making the best of what life throws at me.

Hope you’re well. Talk to you soon.

Bobby.

Robert Wolter to Brian

Jun 9, 2009

Man, I totally understand where you’re coming from as far as putting your partner through crazy situations.

The truth is, I always felt really guilty for the long hospital stays that would leave _____ alone at home and having to maintain the house and take care of all of the animals. On the flipside, I would always lobby for us to simplify our lives regarding all the animals to eliminate stress not only for me, but also for _____. In the end, we just had different perspectives on what kind of lives we wanted to live and (at least this is the way I feel) she wasn’t willing to budge on anything. It always had to be on her terms. But she was there for me in my darkest moments with my family at times when people thought I wasn’t going to make it and I can’t imagine the pressure of those situations. There were a lot of other factors as well and I don’t blame my CF for the breakup, just a piece of the puzzle.

This whole experience has made me truly question the existence of a “soul-mate” or the idea that you can spend your whole life with one person. I feel like I fall in love with people all the time and I wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to share something with someone because I was in a committed relationship. At least that’s the way I feel now, it will probably change as time passes.

Being close to my family right now is really helpful and makes me feel safe in case anything crazy were to happen. I do want to start doing Yoga and figure out ways to improve my lung function and really work at it. The Cepacia is a royal pain in my ass though and every day is a different challenge.

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 13, 2009

Hey Bri,

So I’ve been kind of obsessing over death recently. I’ve been talking to my friends and family a lot about it. Things like where I want to die and what I want after I die. (This, of course is if I don’t die from CF or there comes a cure or medication that profoundly extends my life). I don’t expect them to react lightly to these discussions and needless to say it freaks some of them out. I hope in the back of their minds they take me seriously, though.

Anyways, one thing that continues to swim in my mind is the concept of living on borrowed time. If there weren’t all these medications and therapies and knowledge about and for the human body I definitely would not be here today. Does that mean I’m living on borrowed time? Or, just like advances in any other science (recording, architecture, flying) does it just make that particular art better? No one thought Andy Warhol’s screen prints were art when he was doing them but look how the mindset has shifted. Michealangelo didn’t have the tools that are available today but does that mean there isn’t a sculptor as talented as he was? I suppose I answered my own question. Life shouldn’t be measured by time. However long one ends up living isn’t borrowed or taken I suppose, but it’s a gift.

As I’ve gotten older and less healthy I feel the need to develop and have strong relationships with people. In a way I feel like it’s putting my stamp on this world. I remember when I used to come into the hospital and I wouldn’t get along with a certain nurse or just have a bad attitude. There would be certain quirks about them that would make me distant or silent. Now my desire to befriend everyone I meet is insatiable. It’s funny how I walk around the hospital now and I pretty much know every person who works or walks around on this floor, and I say hi to every one of them. It’s kind of weird when I come in here because despite the reason I’m here I feel like they are genuinely happy to see me.

You know, I’ve been thinking about Jesus the past few days. A lot of my family is really Christian and so are some friends of mine. And it got me thinking about the whole concept of religion. If people believe that Jesus is God, then what’s the difference in just believing in a God? His teaching’s are “God-like” but humans distort his teachings to persuade people to follow them. Religion comes from within I think and we are part of a collective.

talk to u soon…

b.

Brian D. McTear to me

May 14, 2009

Hey -

Thinking about dying is weirdly comforting, and I am sure you know I am not trying to sound morbid. Every time, for instance, that I get on an airplane, I press my forehead against the window and think about it for the entire flight. It’s not depressing, and it’s certainly not about self-pity. It’s just interesting to contemplate, and since it’s at least a somewhat familiar topic, one that normally brings a lot of fear to others, I don’t know…it is nice that it doesn’t, sometimes. Does that make sense? Regardless,  it still makes me a little sad hearing you talk about it, even though I know the obsession.

You mention “borrowed time” and I know what you mean, but what an array of counter-concepts there are on this one! I mean, on one hand you could say that science is only giving us back what’s been “unfairly” taken away! I can almost say with certainty that this is how my parents would feel, or our friends, or Marianne and Giovanna, Dr. H and Dr. H! I don’t like this one, because I don’t want to feel like a victim.

And while life can be romanticized as being a gift that really implies God as the giver… I don’t know why this makes me slightly wince. I guess I want God to be inside me, and inside you….inside everyone (the “collective” you talk about). Not just “I’m thinking about this thing, his name is God… HE’s in my heart” etc, but “I did this!”… “I make my existence”… This is not exactly a choice or anything, but I want to feel that some part of me, really deep down and really objectively aware, decided on this life for some reason. I want to trust that, and do my best to “go with it”, even though a lot of it really sucks sometimes.

I fully agree with you about relationships. Knowing and loving is so important, and I have to tell you that this relationship you and I have made is so incredibly important to me. I feel so lucky that the two of us, never having met in the flesh actually know each other and care about each other in such a unique way! And I know what you mean about relationships with our caregivers. Marianne and Giovanna must wonder why I used to come in once a year, and maybe went a couple years without coming in at all, but then a couple little things happen and I want to come in all the time!

On a somewhat related note, any time I hear people say bad things about doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc., it makes me terribly angry, as I feel like I can attribute my very survival over the last ten years to these very people!  Don’t get me wrong, the system has a lot wrong with it, but there is simply no way I am going to say bad things about our doctors!

Part of the thing with “Jesus” as opposed to “God”, and the reason the concept is not fully transitive (ie. If a=b and b=c, then a=c) is that even the purest of heart want to retain “ownership” of their God concept, and God in general. I think it’s a great innovation of Christianity that “WE ALL should know and love Jesus”, but secretly, “ONLY I KNOW Jesus, really”… And maybe “Jesus” is sort of a brand name when it comes to God. Jews, Muslims, and Christians all believe in God, but Jesus is the special brand of Christianity.

I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, or dismissive. Again, for me I want to believe that we’re all part God… Both the same God, and our own little unique God as well. I guess that’s ME wanting to retain ownership of my God concept, too!

I hope you feel good today! Let’s talk soon! I want to show you the songs we’ve recorded for WV. They were just mastered yesterday!

Love, B

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 16, 2009

It’s interesting to me how you feel so strongly about taking ownership for your existence and not letting an outside concept or philosophy dictate your thoughts on the meaning of your life. Being the victim was never a mindset i took on and I wonder if that’s ingrained genetically in us or if it’s how we were raised. My parents never let me use CF as an excuse for not doing what I wanted and they’ve always been the greatest of supporters emotionally and physically. I was talking to a psychologist about this concept and there is strong evidence gained from studies that nurture plays more of a role in how people face adversity than nature. For instance, people who had a physical impairment at birth or were taken from their mothers after birth have much higher instances of criminal behavior later in life. But nothing is black and white, look at Oprah and others who have lived through such dire circumstances and have gone on to have amazing success.

About thinking of death, someone recently told me about the writings of a samurai. since they faced their own mortality on a day to day basis one of his teachings was to meditate on your own death for a certain amount of time every day. The purpose of this was to be prepared so that when your time to die is in front of you, it isn’t such a traumatic experience. When I heard this I felt really relieved because that is subconsciously the reason for why I do think about it. We both deal with the reality of our time on this earth more than most people. I think this is sort of a blessing in a way and I am grateful for that unique perspective on life that it gives me.

I could not agree with you more about Doctors and Nurses. At least with my experience, almost every person I have encountered in the medical field has been amazing. There’s no way for me to talk about it without sounding really really sappy but it’s the truth. I find the work these people do so incredible. The amount of time and energy and emotion they sacrifice goes above and beyond normal limits. If there are such things as angels then they are the earthly incarnation of them. There are a lot of flaws with the system for sure, but the people who are treating, caring for and working in the system are truly inspiring.

alright talk to you soon.

b.

35.

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 12, 2009

yeah there were have definitely been two schools of thought in my family life: the catholic/christian side and the more eastern philosophical side. needless to say the catholic side does not jive with my beliefs but the influence it’s had on certain relationships has been interesting to say the least.

ive done very little reading about jung’s “collective consciousness” theory but the little i have has fascinated me. it kind of speaks to the ideas about time you were talking about, because i have the same beliefs on time. in the end, what is it? it’s simply a measuring tool we use to facilitate our actions in this reality.

i haven’t really gotten into yoga, but my cousin is a yoga instructor who lives in new york. we always have this standing date to do a private lesson when she comes down here but haven’t been able to get together, but it is starting to become a priority. i was thinking about the pain i have and was surprised that i thought i would miss it once it fades away. you know how when you live with something for so long it just becomes a part of you, and when it leaves you really notice it. i guess it speaks to how people cope with it. but i am definitely happier when i feel like i can run at top speed through an open field.

i would love to get together, but you know i have b.cepacia, right? i would never forgive myself if somehow you got that bug. it is the bain of my existence and you CANNOT get it. i had this funny thought of you and i meeting in a place where we’re separated by a pane of glass (like in prison) and talking through phones. ha! then ____ said i should wear a totally germ-free bio-suit. i’m not sure how easy it is to pick up cepacia or germs or anything but maybe if we maintained a certain distance? i wonder what dr. holsclaw would think.

i bought some of the books you reccomended, can’t wait to dig into them.