Archive for the ‘The Mind’ Category

# 96

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

From Bobby to Brian

July 21st, 2009

Both allegory’s were kind of “out there”, but I thought the one about the Sun was REALLY strange. I still don’t quite understand the concept. We will hopefully figure it out one day ;)

I am seeing what you mean about the “distraction of pain” technique. William also told me a technique where you focus on your area of pain as the color Red. I don’t know why but for some reason it distracts me from the pain and helps me concentrate on deep breathing. I am going to have another yoga session with a different instructor soon and have her focus on gentler poses and more meditative breathing. That seems (for right now) to be the best for me right now.

I’ve also been drinking these protein drinks from Odwalla (the ones you see at whole foods and stores like that) that have really been helping too I think. Nutrition is SO important I’ve realized slowly over the years, it’s unbelievable. I’m finding little things like these protein drinks and how important staying hydrated is. And REST. Our batteries (especially mine) need a lot of recharging in order to have energy and feel good.

I hope you’re good, and I’ll talk to you soon!

Bobby.

# 77

Monday, June 8th, 2009

From Bobby to Brian

Jun 1, 2009

Hey Brian,

So I’ve been reading Victor Frankl’s “Man Search For Meaning” and there was a passage where he talked about pain. Since I’ve been out of the hospital it has been hard, physically and emotionally. I have constant pain, coming from every place; my lungs, stomach, head, muscles. There are ways to control it chemically but even these solutions have their drawbacks. Emotionally, my breakup with _____ is really taking a toll on me. Having essentially been living in a hospital room for the past six weeks with no involvement in the outside world shielded me from real knowledge and reminders of my old life. When I came across this quote I was completely floored.

“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity-even under the more difficult circumstances-to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.”

It has reinforced my mission to make the most of my situation and become “worthy of my sufferings”. We both have obstacles that force us to live our lives much differently than most people and challenges our mettle every single day. Are our lives predetermined or can we choose the direction in which our fate travels? I believe that we can choose and direct the sails of our lives to determine where fate will send them by doing the right thing, by “Doing unto others what you would have done unto you”. I think it is important to leave a positive mark in this world, and I want to keep following the path I set out for myself in the truest and most honest way possible. Keeping my head high and making the best of what life throws at me.

Hope you’re well. Talk to you soon.

Bobby.

# 68

Friday, May 1st, 2009

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 11, 2009

Hey Brian,

I dunno if you’ve talked to Dev or not, but I’m back in the hospital. Dr. Holsclaw and I really had it out last week about my health. Well I don’t know if it’s just a result of him being older and refusing to change his ways or me just finally giving in, but I’m more committed to getting my health SUPERIOR to what it’s been so I can be out of here. I pasted an email I wrote to friends and family that I wanted to share with you. I’m not sure if you ever feel this way or not, but it’s definitely something I realized I struggled with:

hey everyone.

i wanted to write this email after a little bit of rough day. throughout my life living with CF there have been moments of realizations that my health has changed and the routines and quality of life will be different. today was another one of those moments. i fear that this email will come across as needy or selfish but i feel the need to express the anxieties i have with my evolving health status.

for a long time treatment for my CF was pretty simple. i got sick, went into the hospital for a quick two week “tune-up” of IV meds and extra chest physical therapy and i was pretty much back to my old self. as i’ve gotten older my situation has gotten much more complicated (and extremely frustrating). it’s become a juggling act on how to treat my CF in the best, most logical way. it’s not easy for me, for my doctors, and i’m sure all of you guys. lately when i’ve come into the hospital for treatment for one reason, other complications arise which force me to have longer hospital stays. i’ve come to realize that a big frustration and source of anxiety for me is trying to answer the questions “when are you getting out”, and “how long will you have to be in there?”. at this point the answer is when my body tells me i am good to go. and a lot of times i simply cannot give an answer. i’m not saying this because i’m mad or frustrated at anyone. but this is another watershed moment in my life where i am realizing the imminent changes in front of me.

as i’m sure i’ve told most of you, i’m the luckiest guy in the world to have all of you who care so much for me and have done so much for me. without you i would be a lot worse off. i’m never going to stop reminding you all of that so you’ll just have to deal with it! i guess my point is that i don’t want to feel like i am letting anyone down by missing out on certain activities of plans. you know that saying, “man plans, and god laughs”. well, for me my life is one day at a time, working like hell to get better and never letting CF get the best of me. i don’t want to sound needy or annoyed, but until today i guess i didn’t realize how hard it was for me to answer the questions of when i’m getting out of here honestly because i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just want you to know that i work hard every day to get myself as healthy as possible. so the treatment of my disease now is sort of like an artists painting. how do you know when it’s done? you just know. i can give general assessments but for now it’s a completely subjective determination.

i hope this email made sense and that you got the jist of what i’m trying to get across. i love all of you guys and know that i can rely on you. and you should know that you can expect the same from me. if you hold your index finger to your thumb that’s about how short life is. and i want to make the most of it with the people i love.

xoxoxo.

bobby.

Anyways, I’ve been following the Weathervane stuff and it seems like you guys are making tons of progress. So what will the end result be, or strive to be?

I just found out about this jazz pianist named Aaron Parks. Good stuff, worth checking out if you are into that stuff. It’s new but sounds really unique unto itself.

Alright hope you are feeling well and everything is good.

Bobby.

ps- i am in a good frame of mind and dont want you to think i’m down and out. i mean, this sux, but on the whole i’m good.

# 69

Friday, May 1st, 2009

Brian D. McTear to me

May 12, 2009

Hey Bobby,

I am glad you are sending me this. I know just what you mean in your message below and I commend you for so thoughtfully making your point. I am also glad you have so much drive to boost your health. You can do it! I know you can! It sounds like you have renewed patience too, which will help you.

I am glad you are excited about the Weathervane stuff, Bobby. That really makes me feel good.  I am sorry that the explanation for it usually takes so long! That is why I am working on an “introductory video” with Devin right now. So hopefully when it’s up it will explain the whole thing really well. I can only hope at this point.

The end goal is to improve the state of music in our culture and in doing so, to reset the bar on the potential careers that independent artists can strive for. It’s all going to shit right now. Everyone seems okay with the fact that artists have no chance of making a living anymore. Even artists! That needs to be changed.

We hope to achieve our goals with a couple projects, the first (and most likely our “main” project for years to come) is the Weathervane Project Series (I hope to come up with a better name….). Basically, we find great artists and provide studio resources and production staff to record their music. These projects are also documented in a series of videos made for the web. With video we can cover some important aspects of recording that maybe the average person might not understand. Slowly over time, I hope that we can raise the cultural understanding of music, the artist’s vision and the production process. The more people understand, the more they will appreciate, we hope. So if it all works, we provide a really unique opportunity, as well as resources and exposure for the artists, and we educate the public in the process.

I think it could work. For right now, I am pretty much choosing a small handful of artists myself. There will probably be 4 to 6 this year, and the selection is all but wrapped up. But the real push in this start up year is to get the idea out there, and to bring as much exposure to the organization as possible. Moving forward, the series will be curated by a different well known figure each year. As an example, I always say it could be curated by a great musician like Kevin Sheilds from My Bloody Valentine, or even someone who’s NOT a musician, like, say Quentin Tarrentino. This person would head up the selection process for that single year, and the fact that it’s a different person annually will easily push the focus in a different direction that year from the previous year.

Ultimately I hope we can build a campus like facility in Philadelphia (around the Wissihickon, I hope) that has studios, video production studios, and artist residences, so the series can happen in an “artist retreat” like setting. I went to a boarding school, and I always kind of imagine that when I picture it. I think that the city itself would benefit greatly, as it would essentially host what we hope are an elite group of artists every year. Think about the attitude people have about Philadelphia now! It would slowly change and much for the better, if every year say, 10 or 12 groups (that could be 50 people!) have this experience! … This is a WAYS off, but it’s kind of the original vision for the whole thing, anyway.

There’s other project ideas coming along the pike, as well. A very simple one, for instance: I want to build a catalog of unreleased material from great artists. The music will be “donated” by the artist for whatever period of time we can agree on, and we’ll in turn give it as gifts to new donors/members. So what it does is allow artists to donate their music, while hopefully receiving a great deal of exposure in the process. It could be a good way to promote an upcoming record, for instance. And if we are lucky, I could imagine a really huge artist, partially out of support, but also in order to be a part of the good vibes WV has, donating a song and really helping us raise our membership. Like if Pearl Jam had a new record coming out and they were planning to release a song for free, maybe we could ask them to release it through us for the first day. We could put a $2 download price tag on it, and benefit from the race to hear it first. They were probably not planning on making money from the song anyway, so they won’t miss a couple thousand bucks, but meanwhile they are supporting something cool. I just need to plan this out. This will probably get off the ground late this year or early next… I hope.

I also want to  start a high school level summer seminar, or something of the sort, in which we teach concepts of music production and engineering in a studio setting.

Phew. I look up at the paragraphs and paragraphs above and feel like such a wind-bag! I hope it gets the idea across!

So let me know if you need anything else while you are in there. I could bring things to Marianne and Giovanna. It would be my sincere pleasure, as I’d feel like I could do something nice for you.  Maybe I’ll look for some books? Music? You need a guitar or anything? Drum sticks?  Something to bang on?

B

# 74

Friday, May 1st, 2009

Brian D. McTear to me

May 14, 2009

Hey -

Thinking about dying is weirdly comforting, and I am sure you know I am not trying to sound morbid. Every time, for instance, that I get on an airplane, I press my forehead against the window and think about it for the entire flight. It’s not depressing, and it’s certainly not about self-pity. It’s just interesting to contemplate, and since it’s at least a somewhat familiar topic, one that normally brings a lot of fear to others, I don’t know…it is nice that it doesn’t, sometimes. Does that make sense? Regardless,  it still makes me a little sad hearing you talk about it, even though I know the obsession.

You mention “borrowed time” and I know what you mean, but what an array of counter-concepts there are on this one! I mean, on one hand you could say that science is only giving us back what’s been “unfairly” taken away! I can almost say with certainty that this is how my parents would feel, or our friends, or Marianne and Giovanna, Dr. H and Dr. H! I don’t like this one, because I don’t want to feel like a victim.

And while life can be romanticized as being a gift that really implies God as the giver… I don’t know why this makes me slightly wince. I guess I want God to be inside me, and inside you….inside everyone (the “collective” you talk about). Not just “I’m thinking about this thing, his name is God… HE’s in my heart” etc, but “I did this!”… “I make my existence”… This is not exactly a choice or anything, but I want to feel that some part of me, really deep down and really objectively aware, decided on this life for some reason. I want to trust that, and do my best to “go with it”, even though a lot of it really sucks sometimes.

I fully agree with you about relationships. Knowing and loving is so important, and I have to tell you that this relationship you and I have made is so incredibly important to me. I feel so lucky that the two of us, never having met in the flesh actually know each other and care about each other in such a unique way! And I know what you mean about relationships with our caregivers. Marianne and Giovanna must wonder why I used to come in once a year, and maybe went a couple years without coming in at all, but then a couple little things happen and I want to come in all the time!

On a somewhat related note, any time I hear people say bad things about doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc., it makes me terribly angry, as I feel like I can attribute my very survival over the last ten years to these very people!  Don’t get me wrong, the system has a lot wrong with it, but there is simply no way I am going to say bad things about our doctors!

Part of the thing with “Jesus” as opposed to “God”, and the reason the concept is not fully transitive (ie. If a=b and b=c, then a=c) is that even the purest of heart want to retain “ownership” of their God concept, and God in general. I think it’s a great innovation of Christianity that “WE ALL should know and love Jesus”, but secretly, “ONLY I KNOW Jesus, really”… And maybe “Jesus” is sort of a brand name when it comes to God. Jews, Muslims, and Christians all believe in God, but Jesus is the special brand of Christianity.

I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, or dismissive. Again, for me I want to believe that we’re all part God… Both the same God, and our own little unique God as well. I guess that’s ME wanting to retain ownership of my God concept, too!

I hope you feel good today! Let’s talk soon! I want to show you the songs we’ve recorded for WV. They were just mastered yesterday!

Love, B

# 52

Sunday, March 1st, 2009

Robert Wolter to Brian

Mar 29, 2009

hey.

that’s funny you saw that picture of me. i forgot that they had it up there. it was when i was really sick and dr. holsclaw had me on the Bi-Pap machine. i was so bored in there that i had my friend bring me in a helmet and sunglasses to make me feel like a pilot. everyone got a big kick out of it and i felt kind of cool in the process. i bet they have in my chart somewhere, “a bit odd”. i really like giovanna. she has helped me a lot. i think i call in a lot for things. i wonder if people call in as much as i do. that would be insane. her and marianne and dr. H are super-people.

times have been tough recently. _____ and i are going through some stuff and i might move out of our house for a while and in with devin actually. i’m all crazed out about the whole situation. i could write a whole book about it. “blood on the tracks” and “after the goldrush” are the soundtracks for my life right now.

i am slowly reading “seth speaks”. i think it’s taking me longer than normal because i have to re-read a lot of confusing sentences. but it has helped in little ways with meditation and looking at the functionality of my body.

ok talk to u soon,

b.

# 46

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 27, 2009

what about,

Senses of Life and Death

the Brian and Bobby Letters.

I’m reading the Watchmen right now. It’s funny how when you start getting into a subject (like I am now with life, death, reality, time, etc…) it just starts to pop up everywhere in your life. It seems like every time I turn around I’m encountering more info and garnering more thoughts on these subjects. The Watchmen touches on a lot of these subjects.

I heard this interview with an actor/screenwriter Danny McBride the other day. He was in Pineapple Express and also wrote and acts in the new HBO show Eastbound and Down. Anyways he was talking about how he’s had some success as an actor but he really loves the art of writing because he loves seeing what he puts to paper come to life on screen. I’ve never been a huge part of the writing in most of the bands I’ve played in but I know what he means. One of the greatest feeling I get from playing music isn’t being on stage or getting recognition, it’s the process of creating and hearing and seeing how everything comes together. It’s amazing how the power of imagination can turn thoughts into matter.

Man I didn’t set out to write this long letter, it just sort of happened.

a’ight ttyl.

# 47

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

Brian McTear to me

Feb 27, 2009

How bout

Time, Life and Death

The Brian and Bobby Letters

Or just, The Brian and Bobby Letters (musing on Reality, time, life, death….)

I think I get my biggest creative burst out of writing my own music, but I think maybe even more of what you are talking about with production, ie that whole seeing something come from nothing.

I’ve also been trying to make a non-profit music organization lately that, I hope at least, will ultimately become a real job. I don’t know if I told you about it, but you can read about it at wvmusic.tumblr.com. Did I tell you about it? I’ve been talking my head off about it for the past several months…. But making a company out of nothing is pretty astonishing. I can’t believe we just had an idea, and when we finally start rolling, I’m sitting at a conference room at XPN with a whole board of directors and a staff. It’s really cool.

B

# 48

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

Brian McTear to me

Feb 27, 2009

How bout

Time, Life and Death

The Brian and Bobby Letters

Or just, The Brian and Bobby Letters (musing on Reality, time, life, death….)

I think I get my biggest creative burst out of writing my own music, but I think maybe even more of what you are talking about with production, ie that whole seeing something come from nothing.

I’ve also been trying to make a non-profit music organization lately that, I hope at least, will ultimately become a real job. I don’t know if I told you about it, but you can read about it at wvmusic.tumblr.com. Did I tell you about it? I’ve been talking my head off about it for the past several months…. But making a company out of nothing is pretty astonishing. I can’t believe we just had an idea, and when we finally start rolling, I’m sitting at a conference room at XPN with a whole board of directors and a staff. It’s really cool.

B

# 48

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 27, 2009

I like that first title. Guess what? My friend has offered to host our blog (i.e.- like a real website) if we want to do it that way. He said he could even put a link up there for people to donate to CF if we wanted to do something like that eventually. We just have to come up with a website name. Any ideas?

I am loving your non-profit organization, weathervane. How far along is it, do you have your first artist yet?

I always thought it would be cool to have another resurgence of a “philly sound”. Of having a studio (with a house band) where a songwriter could go and record without any limitations such as time, money, etc…and produce a true piece of art. i read an interview with dr. dog and they were talking about their studio and how they had their engineer (was is bill moriarty? you probably know exactly what i’m talking about. in fact, your studio is probably the similar in a lot of ways?) set it up exactly how they wanted it. their approach to recording is very cool. maybe i’m being presumptive in thinking that there isn’t a new kind of “sound” happening in Philly because i don’t get out that much. it seems like there’s certain pockets but no real movement. that subject could be a whole new blog. ha.