August 22, 2009 – 3:08pm
My dear friend,

Your dad called me this morning to tell me what happened last night. I am so sorry for him and your family, and you, of course. You were too young and had too many wonderful and thoughtful things to bring to the world yet.  It’s impossible for me to believe this. Right down to my core, you are bigger than life… 

To  me at this moment you are still here, so I just want to say things to you that I would say to you ALIVE, before I lose this feeling. 

Okay, I want to admit something that you’ll find funny. Nearly every time I wrote to you or responded to your emails, I would actually finish without thought or pretense by saying, “I love you Bobby, – B”. I’d read back the message (’cause they were all good reading, actually, right?), but when I got to the that ending, of course, I’d quick hit the back-space bar. It was such an adolescent reaction on my part. Didn’t want to come across too “touchy-feely”, I guess. 

I know you knew this, of course. But I can assure you that immediately after this, I’m going to comb through everything we said to each other, because I’ll feel so much better if I actually let it slip, just one time.

I’m sad that we’re not going to talk again, at least in this physical reality. If we can talk in some way, any way, you know I’m game! I’m not afraid of ghosts or nothin’, and you know that. Of course I don’t want you to challenge me on this fearlessness, unless it leads to a good laugh on your part! And maybe if I could make a request or two: please check into some of my theories that we’ve talked about, could you? 

I imagine you are where you are, an eternal present. You’re the sum of all that Bobby is and ever was: all aware, all joyful, all as sweet and happy as you ever were and we ever experienced. I’m also kind of imagining there’s some part of me there with you, and some part of all the special people in your life. Physical reality might make us think that this existence is the center of everything, but I am starting to imagine that it’s not just YOU that’s in some other state of existence, that I am there with you (and everyone you know, as well), and perhaps we feel the greatest empathy of all, at this moment,  for the “physical me” and the “physical Kurt” and everyone else who’s in such pain right now here where I’m writing from…

It really is “physical”… “pain” that is, isn’t it? I don’t think your ribs hurt now, obviously, but to go a little further, you’re not sad now, either, or anxious or tired. You’re not frustrated, and while it seemed you couldn’t have a mean thought in that sweet body or yours, if anything like that did exist, I am certain it will become dust in the purely physical world.

You know, I want to say that I am so glad that we started video chatting in the past couple weeks. It was so amazing to hear your voice and see you. It was great to pop in on each other every now and then and talk til we were too tired. Man, I am so glad I got to tell you my slap-stick, wacky “Japanese game show” version of my small bowel obstruction hospital saga. You laughed so hard. That was really fun. 

That was Monday maybe? Gosh, I can’t believe this, Bobby. I really can’t. 

Okay, One last little confession. Years ago, when you were living in Fishtown, I actually saw you at the grocery store. I knew it was you, because you were dressed in the same clothes as your Myspace photo at the time, and you had on an Urban Outfitters shirt (…which I figure only an Urban Outfitters employee would be caught dead in, right?) You were looking in the meat section. Pretty sure you were in front of the steak options, because I was on the other side of an island filled with hams.

When I looked over and realized it was you, I froze up. I wasn’t afraid of contact with you because of cepacia or anything. I was kinda clueless about that stuff at the time. I really just wanted to meet you under more special circumstances than the meat section at the Thriftway (my god, there’s puns flying around like crazy here). As the years went by and I was made aware of the dangers we faced by physical contact, I became scared that you’d think I thought you were “dirty” or something, and nothing could have been farther from the truth. 

I’ve imagined it a million times, how it probably should have gone… I say “Bobby?” And you turn around, as nice and open and honest as I’ve since known you to be. But maybe you’re thinking, WHO’S THIS???? And I say, “It’s me, Brian McTear!” Then we talk across the ham island for as long as we can before our groceries go bad. 

The ham island… It was right there! It was THE MEET SECTION! … What a cosmic joke! A perfect 5 or 6 foot buffer, plenty of space to say hi, but not give each other our germs. And of course we’d agree that neither you would buy a ham for several days, nor would I buy steak! I can’t believe it’s only becoming clear right now…

Well, none of this is to say that we didn’t have an amazing relationship, even if the most of it was in the last eight months of your life. It really was one of the most important things in my whole life, and I know you felt the same. Now, I hope it keeps going somewhere in some other plane. I trust it does. We’ll never talk again here, Bobby, but I really believe that freed up from the line of time-space, you and me are just fine. We’re ALL just fine.

I do love you, Bobby. Thank you so much for such a wonderful friendship.

B

May 13, 2009

Hey Bri,

So I’ve been kind of obsessing over death recently. I’ve been talking to my friends and family a lot about it. Things like where I want to die and what I want after I die. (This, of course is if I don’t die from CF or there comes a cure or medication that profoundly extends my life). I don’t expect them to react lightly to these discussions and needless to say it freaks some of them out. I hope in the back of their minds they take me seriously, though.

Anyways, one thing that continues to swim in my mind is the concept of living on borrowed time. If there weren’t all these medications and therapies and knowledge about and for the human body I definitely would not be here today. Does that mean I’m living on borrowed time? Or, just like advances in any other science (recording, architecture, flying) does it just make that particular art better? No one thought Andy Warhol’s screen prints were art when he was doing them but look how the mindset has shifted. Michealangelo didn’t have the tools that are available today but does that mean there isn’t a sculptor as talented as he was? I suppose I answered my own question. Life shouldn’t be measured by time. However long one ends up living isn’t borrowed or taken I suppose, but it’s a gift.

As I’ve gotten older and less healthy I feel the need to develop and have strong relationships with people. In a way I feel like it’s putting my stamp on this world. I remember when I used to come into the hospital and I wouldn’t get along with a certain nurse or just have a bad attitude. There would be certain quirks about them that would make me distant or silent. Now my desire to befriend everyone I meet is insatiable. It’s funny how I walk around the hospital now and I pretty much know every person who works or walks around on this floor, and I say hi to every one of them. It’s kind of weird when I come in here because despite the reason I’m here I feel like they are genuinely happy to see me.

You know, I’ve been thinking about Jesus the past few days. A lot of my family is really Christian and so are some friends of mine. And it got me thinking about the whole concept of religion. If people believe that Jesus is God, then what’s the difference in just believing in a God? His teaching’s are “God-like” but humans distort his teachings to persuade people to follow them. Religion comes from within I think and we are part of a collective.

talk to u soon…

b.

May 14, 2009

Hey -

Thinking about dying is weirdly comforting, and I am sure you know I am not trying to sound morbid. Every time, for instance, that I get on an airplane, I press my forehead against the window and think about it for the entire flight. It’s not depressing, and it’s certainly not about self-pity. It’s just interesting to contemplate, and since it’s at least a somewhat familiar topic, one that normally brings a lot of fear to others, I don’t know…it is nice that it doesn’t, sometimes. Does that make sense? Regardless,  it still makes me a little sad hearing you talk about it, even though I know the obsession.

You mention “borrowed time” and I know what you mean, but what an array of counter-concepts there are on this one! I mean, on one hand you could say that science is only giving us back what’s been “unfairly” taken away! I can almost say with certainty that this is how my parents would feel, or our friends, or Marianne and Giovanna, Dr. H and Dr. H! I don’t like this one, because I don’t want to feel like a victim.

And while life can be romanticized as being a gift that really implies God as the giver… I don’t know why this makes me slightly wince. I guess I want God to be inside me, and inside you….inside everyone (the “collective” you talk about). Not just “I’m thinking about this thing, his name is God… HE’s in my heart” etc, but “I did this!”… “I make my existence”… This is not exactly a choice or anything, but I want to feel that some part of me, really deep down and really objectively aware, decided on this life for some reason. I want to trust that, and do my best to “go with it”, even though a lot of it really sucks sometimes.

I fully agree with you about relationships. Knowing and loving is so important, and I have to tell you that this relationship you and I have made is so incredibly important to me. I feel so lucky that the two of us, never having met in the flesh actually know each other and care about each other in such a unique way! And I know what you mean about relationships with our caregivers. Marianne and Giovanna must wonder why I used to come in once a year, and maybe went a couple years without coming in at all, but then a couple little things happen and I want to come in all the time!

On a somewhat related note, any time I hear people say bad things about doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc., it makes me terribly angry, as I feel like I can attribute my very survival over the last ten years to these very people!  Don’t get me wrong, the system has a lot wrong with it, but there is simply no way I am going to say bad things about our doctors!

Part of the thing with “Jesus” as opposed to “God”, and the reason the concept is not fully transitive (ie. If a=b and b=c, then a=c) is that even the purest of heart want to retain “ownership” of their God concept, and God in general. I think it’s a great innovation of Christianity that “WE ALL should know and love Jesus”, but secretly, “ONLY I KNOW Jesus, really”… And maybe “Jesus” is sort of a brand name when it comes to God. Jews, Muslims, and Christians all believe in God, but Jesus is the special brand of Christianity.

I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, or dismissive. Again, for me I want to believe that we’re all part God… Both the same God, and our own little unique God as well. I guess that’s ME wanting to retain ownership of my God concept, too!

I hope you feel good today! Let’s talk soon! I want to show you the songs we’ve recorded for WV. They were just mastered yesterday!

Love, B

Brian McTear to me

Feb 11, 2009

Wanna know something intersting? My mom was given a copy of Seth Speaks (the second “Seth Book”, after Seth Material, which I mentioned) when I was 4 or so. One of the things Seth talks about is that we choose our life, and then we live it. Well, my mom instantly put the book down because she interpreted that as being “Brian has CF because he CHOSE to have CF” (which basically boiled down to blaming CF on Brian), and she never read it again. There’s a Catholic connection in there somewhere, but I don’t know exactly what it is….

Without knowing, 15 years later I pick up the book and read the same thing but the message seemed so liberating. To me I felt like I was in control! I mean, I like who I am, and a great part of who I am is because I have CF! So it was a great thing to talk to my mom about. It made me feel like I was living a purposeful life.

The main thing I pulled from Seth books that really changed my life was the perception of time. I am sure many of your books are discussing it as well, ie. that time doesn’t really exist, it’s an illusion, kind of an adaptation or means for interpretation of all the experience these physical bodies come up against. In our greater existence (the part not attached to a body or bodies), we have full awareness and absolute creativity, part of which we use physical experience to slow down and disect. Time also serves to let physical beings communicate, as well. It’s a limitation device. You and I can communicate because we exist in the same time and setting, and much of that setting evens the communication playing field as well.

It’s been so long now, that I am sure I have my own explanation for everything. In other words, the books may have a different flavor 15 years later, but that’s how much they changed my life. They started whole worlds of thought, which has largely been my world since!

(Now there’s some rambling for you!)

I know you have lots to read, but here’s my favorites list anyway. They fall into 3 catagories, generally: Mysitical New-Agey stuff, Alternative Theology, Science Fiction

New Age:

Seth Material, Seth Speaks (Jane Roberts)

Cosmic Trigger, Schroedinger’s Cat Trilogy (Robert Anton Wilson)

Alt Theo:

The Origin of Satan, The Gnostic Gospels, The Gospel of Thomas (Elaine Pagels)

Science Fiction:

Childhoods End, 2001, 2010, 2061, 3001 (Arthur C. Clarke)

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldrich, Valis (Philip K. Dick)

Oh, I don’t know if this is any help for you with physical pain, but something I learned through yoga (have you tried yoga? It really really helps…. I am off the wagon, but…). When stretching or doing difficult poses, the one time I worked with an instructor she told me that when you feel pain, instead of recoiling or “grinning and bearing it” simply say in your mind: “That’s the feeling of my hamstring stretching” or whatever it is that is difficult. Amazingly, it puts the pain outside of yourself, almost like watching the pain on TV or something. You can still feel it, but there is some control over the effect it has on you.

Just a thought. I know there’s things that are way beyond stretching muscles with CF, but I have found it works sometimes.

We should get together some time. I’ll make sure not to give you my cudies…. We don’t have to shake hands, hug or nothin…. Just get together SOME way… Outside? In a Park? I don’t know.

B

35.

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 12, 2009

yeah there were have definitely been two schools of thought in my family life: the catholic/christian side and the more eastern philosophical side. needless to say the catholic side does not jive with my beliefs but the influence it’s had on certain relationships has been interesting to say the least.

ive done very little reading about jung’s “collective consciousness” theory but the little i have has fascinated me. it kind of speaks to the ideas about time you were talking about, because i have the same beliefs on time. in the end, what is it? it’s simply a measuring tool we use to facilitate our actions in this reality.

i haven’t really gotten into yoga, but my cousin is a yoga instructor who lives in new york. we always have this standing date to do a private lesson when she comes down here but haven’t been able to get together, but it is starting to become a priority. i was thinking about the pain i have and was surprised that i thought i would miss it once it fades away. you know how when you live with something for so long it just becomes a part of you, and when it leaves you really notice it. i guess it speaks to how people cope with it. but i am definitely happier when i feel like i can run at top speed through an open field.

i would love to get together, but you know i have b.cepacia, right? i would never forgive myself if somehow you got that bug. it is the bain of my existence and you CANNOT get it. i had this funny thought of you and i meeting in a place where we’re separated by a pane of glass (like in prison) and talking through phones. ha! then ____ said i should wear a totally germ-free bio-suit. i’m not sure how easy it is to pick up cepacia or germs or anything but maybe if we maintained a certain distance? i wonder what dr. holsclaw would think.

i bought some of the books you reccomended, can’t wait to dig into them.

Brian McTear to me

Feb 22, 2009

Hey man,

I HEAR YOU!

Admittedly, I’m a little older than you, so I might be a little more okay with settling down….had my share of craziness, and it just doesn’t turn me on the way it once did. I also can’t help but wonder every now and then how much my own little party life (which was mild at best) and all the time spent in smokey bars (a good year or two straight, if you add it up I’m sure) is responsible for the issues I face with my lungs these days. But I really don’t have regrets.

Still though, nothing sucks more than taking an invite to someone else’s environment, then realizing they don’t have a concern in the world, yet their shit could make your really sick! It’s been happening to me more and more.

The weird thing about life, and I think your conversation with your friend points to this, is that I don’t think it can be understood until it’s in danger. I really think that most people contemplate life and death when they are young in moments where they are drunk or high. The conversation doesn’t yield quality results, I think, as you’ve seen. Nothing against anyone: but you and I, and people faced with the concept of mortality when we wake up, when we eat lunch and when we go to sleep have a much richer sense of life. Your average healthy person can have religious or “pop” senses of life and death at best, but I just don’t think that is very real. I mean, he’s right about what happens to the matter part of your being, but you probably were meaning to talk about more than that.

Here’s a nice way to think of life and death…. I am not sure I BELIEVE IT, but that’s a whole other conversation….I can definitely imagine something like this, so I like it:

Outside of physical reality, where there is no time, we just ARE. Physical life is like a travel package, a vacation into the world where all things are experienced along a time line, allowing concentrated experience and understanding. It’s your own creation and it’s probably super trippy and surreal, by the standards of timelessness. And there’s probably an awareness that physical life has all sorts of details that are simply illusion, but you go for it, anyway. It’s intense. You can choose to live anywhere along the time line, ie. historical setting, and you can even do it with a friend as well… Or you can split off into several “lives” and experience all different things in all different settings and walks of life, which is probably most common. You can be a good guy, a bad guy… It’s your choice (and consequently, I think “good” and “bad” are simple terms related to physical reality. Probably don’t mean much outside of it).

Anyway, when a life runs up, your physical awareness shifts back in the eternal present, and probably for what seems like a few seconds (because you are still on “physical time” kinda like jetlag) you go, “whoa… Wait… Oh shit! That was crazy!”. You were never cheated, you chose that package for a reason. Life is the ultimate expression of creativity, and every life is an achievement.

That probably sounds like a speech in a Lifetime movie! Or from the rad cool kid in an After School Special!

Take care, man! Do you have a blog? My girlfriend Amy likes to say, “If you have problems, blog it out!” She’ll tell the cats to “blog it out” if a scuffle occurs. (It’s silly, and of course she doesn’t blog, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have problems). I’ve been wanting to find a place to write about time and reality and all this fun stuff, and maybe a blog is the way to go. Maybe we can co-author a blog about life!

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 22, 2009

No, not at all! I love talking about all of this stuff. It’s been on the forefront of my mind a lot with all the different books I’m reading. I think a lot of my friends are like, “uh-oh here he goes again…” when I start talking about it with them. I have a feeling they think I’m overly concerned about death because of my situation. Obviously it serves as a catalyst for why I’m thinking about it but in general I just love the topic.

I actually do have a blog! It’s a dream blog that I haven’t updated in almost a year, but there is some good stuff in there I suppose: http://robertcwolter.blogspot.com. We should totally blog it out! I wonder if these conversations could be of use to other people with CF or other similar illnesses. (on another note, I’ve always wanted to give back to the CF community somehow and one of the ideas I had was to have adults with CF made available to newly diagnosed kids parents to answer questions and just have some sort of correspondence. Everyones situation is different but not knowing what to expect must be pretty terrifying for new parents. I know my parents would have probably liked to have had some kind of support, especially since I was diagnosed so late.)

The conversation with my friend really didn’t lead anywhere. He keeps his emotions pretty close to his chest. It’s exactly like you said, until you’re confronted head on with your own mortality it’s hard to speak on, it’s not a reality for him.

Although I’ve been really close to cashing it in, I can’t say I’ve had any kind of near death experience or anything like that, but what I do have is a feeling that this isn’t it, that my body is just a body and this is just my “earthly” experience. What is after this life, I can’t say for sure, no one can, but I know there is something. I think that humans will constantly progress and evolve. If you think about technology and forms of communication, it is constantly getting smaller, faster, smarter. One of the things my friend said was that it was a shame to waste so much brain power in this life. I think that’s true, there is so much that can get accomplished. I’m a firm believer in if you can think it you can create it, like you were talking about in previous emails. So I do think humans are part of nature like everything else and constantly evolving and will reach different levels of existence as “time” moves “forward”.

I also wonder if relatives mean anything in the next life. Does blood translate to the next life? Does it mean anything? Like you were saying, can we choose who we can live in this world with? I definitely think that there are lessons to be learned in every life we live. I really do think dreams are little windows into what the mind can truly accomplish. I think they also serve as recycling centers for our daily experiences but if you really dissect them you can learn a lot about yourself and others. They’re like your super-intuitive instincts.

Do you blog it out?

Brian McTear to me

Feb 23, 2009

When I was 18 I was pretty sure that I was going to be a rock star, so I wanted to take a year off before college and make that happen … skip college all together. Some of my closest friends, including one of the guys in my band, assumed I didn’t have long left, and that’s what I was doing! It was weird because, especially back then, I was SO healthy. I mean, arguably a lot healthier than those guys! People just project their fears all the time. It’s one of the things that sucks about having an illness is that people are sometimes ready to project their fears for you before they need to.

I am psyched to read your dream blog. I have just started writing a blog for Weathervane Music, the non-profit organization I am trying to establish. If you are interested, the address is wvmusic.tumblr.com. I am just getting started with it. And we should totally put something together. Even if we just take our emails and upload the correspondance to a blog… We could edit out whatever we don’t want people to read, but I bet some people would like to read it. I’ve been rereading our emails, so I know someone out there would be interested!

Regarding the mentoring: You know, when I was 19 I was at one of my last doctor visits at CHOP. While I was waiting this young couple was getting the results from their kid’s CF test, and I saw them just moments after finding out. It was unbelievable. I actually wrote a letter to them right there and asked the receptionist to give it to them since I was sure they weren’t in the mood for talking. I said I basically didn’t know much about other people with CF’s experience. I was pretty sure that I had a milder case than many, but that I had a promising and happy life, and they shouldn’t assume any less for their child. I am not sure what I said was well informed, or mature, but the receptionist read it and wiped a tear. It was a touching moment.

So I like the thought of making something like that. Adults with CF talk to parents of and/or children with CF.

I sort of suspect that dreams are actually momentary insights into another reality or existence that is most likely not on the time line, and maybe in many cases not even attached to the physical world. Again, If you can entertain the idea that time is not real, then a thread of connection between lives that would seem to be on different parts of the timeline really could be as simple as opening a momentary channel between those lives. Dreams would be a perfect place for those threads to expose themselves to each other. Imagine how crazy it would be to exist in another life, and in a dream that boy or girl, man or woman …or Trafalmadorian… is getting glimpses into playing drums, walking through a house with different animals in each room, and having CF!

I like thinking about these things.

And for what it’s worth, in the Seth books, they talk about people very commonly keeping close to their loved ones…in one existence you are brother and sister, in another you’re mother and son, best friends, etc.

Here’s a crazy related story: My sister Nancy is 5 years older than me. Her mother in law died in 1994 or so. About 2 years later, she had her daughter Molly. One time after she took Molly to see her grandfather (Nancy’s father in law), just as they were driving away from the house, Molly (maybe 3 at that point?) said to Nancy, “I used to live there, exept when I lived there I was the Mommy and Daddy was the little boy!” Nancy said the hairs on her neck stood on end for the whole ride home.

B