Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 10, 2009

yo brian!

how are you? how are you feeling these days? i see a lot of the flu-bug going around. i got the flu-shot but over the past few years i’ve become somewhat of a germ-a-phobe.

i’ve talked to a bunch of musicians who’ve mentioned how they recorded with you over the past year, hows the studio doing? devin always talks about you too. the weeds just had a pretty successful fundraiser show on the 31st. it helped pay for part of our record, hopefully we’ll have it finished in the next few months or so.

have you ever read the book, “many lives, many masters”? i think you would like it. it’s about past lives and reincarnation and touches on a lot of theories on wisdom and answering the eternal question, “why?”.

anyways i hope you are well my friend. talk to you soon.

bobby.

Brian McTear to me

Feb 10, 2009

Hey Bobby!

I am doing well. I too had a flu shot. ‘Never miss it! I’ve become a germaphobe as well. We’ve got a lot of cats, so I imagine the place is not totally clean.

Yes I love working with Devin. He’s a great great guy and enormously talented. More than anything, he’s just becoming a great friend.

I never read that book, but I feel like I’ve heard of it? I dig thinking about past lives, for sure! When I was in college I found a book called The Seth Material. It was by this woman Jane Roberts who was channelling this being named Seth. Sounds pretty kooky, but it turned out to be a pretty awesome read. It was mostly about Seth’s view of the nature of reality, a view of existence outside of physical reality. It had a lot of past, future and concurrent life conversation. It was fun stuff.

I hope you are doing well, too! Are you? What’s been going on with you?

Thanks for checkin’ in!

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 11, 2009

Hmm i will have to check out that book, sounds right up my alley right now. I’ve got a lot on my list to read. it’s an endless list, really.

i’ve been doing relatively well. right now i pulled these muscles in my chest from coughing that hurts like crazy, but it happens all the time to me so i’m kind of used to it. in “many lives, many masters”, it talks a little bit about how people who suffer physical pain and hardships in this life are atoning for mistakes in past lives, or learning through these hardships lessons they need to progress in the next world. i think about that a lot when it seems like i just can’t handle having CF because of all the bullshit. I feel as though making up for past lives somewhat gives meaning to it. at least if i’ve done something in a past life to deserve this or if there are larger lessons to be learned there’s a platform for me to explore the bigger meanings.

sorry to go off like that, sometimes my mind just wanders. in a nutshell i guess my own experience is making my life pretty full.

a’ight talk to you later.

b.

Brian McTear to me

Feb 11, 2009

Wanna know something intersting? My mom was given a copy of Seth Speaks (the second “Seth Book”, after Seth Material, which I mentioned) when I was 4 or so. One of the things Seth talks about is that we choose our life, and then we live it. Well, my mom instantly put the book down because she interpreted that as being “Brian has CF because he CHOSE to have CF” (which basically boiled down to blaming CF on Brian), and she never read it again. There’s a Catholic connection in there somewhere, but I don’t know exactly what it is….

Without knowing, 15 years later I pick up the book and read the same thing but the message seemed so liberating. To me I felt like I was in control! I mean, I like who I am, and a great part of who I am is because I have CF! So it was a great thing to talk to my mom about. It made me feel like I was living a purposeful life.

The main thing I pulled from Seth books that really changed my life was the perception of time. I am sure many of your books are discussing it as well, ie. that time doesn’t really exist, it’s an illusion, kind of an adaptation or means for interpretation of all the experience these physical bodies come up against. In our greater existence (the part not attached to a body or bodies), we have full awareness and absolute creativity, part of which we use physical experience to slow down and disect. Time also serves to let physical beings communicate, as well. It’s a limitation device. You and I can communicate because we exist in the same time and setting, and much of that setting evens the communication playing field as well.

It’s been so long now, that I am sure I have my own explanation for everything. In other words, the books may have a different flavor 15 years later, but that’s how much they changed my life. They started whole worlds of thought, which has largely been my world since!

(Now there’s some rambling for you!)

I know you have lots to read, but here’s my favorites list anyway. They fall into 3 catagories, generally: Mysitical New-Agey stuff, Alternative Theology, Science Fiction

New Age:

Seth Material, Seth Speaks (Jane Roberts)

Cosmic Trigger, Schroedinger’s Cat Trilogy (Robert Anton Wilson)

Alt Theo:

The Origin of Satan, The Gnostic Gospels, The Gospel of Thomas (Elaine Pagels)

Science Fiction:

Childhoods End, 2001, 2010, 2061, 3001 (Arthur C. Clarke)

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldrich, Valis (Philip K. Dick)

Oh, I don’t know if this is any help for you with physical pain, but something I learned through yoga (have you tried yoga? It really really helps…. I am off the wagon, but…). When stretching or doing difficult poses, the one time I worked with an instructor she told me that when you feel pain, instead of recoiling or “grinning and bearing it” simply say in your mind: “That’s the feeling of my hamstring stretching” or whatever it is that is difficult. Amazingly, it puts the pain outside of yourself, almost like watching the pain on TV or something. You can still feel it, but there is some control over the effect it has on you.

Just a thought. I know there’s things that are way beyond stretching muscles with CF, but I have found it works sometimes.

We should get together some time. I’ll make sure not to give you my cudies…. We don’t have to shake hands, hug or nothin…. Just get together SOME way… Outside? In a Park? I don’t know.

B

35.

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 12, 2009

yeah there were have definitely been two schools of thought in my family life: the catholic/christian side and the more eastern philosophical side. needless to say the catholic side does not jive with my beliefs but the influence it’s had on certain relationships has been interesting to say the least.

ive done very little reading about jung’s “collective consciousness” theory but the little i have has fascinated me. it kind of speaks to the ideas about time you were talking about, because i have the same beliefs on time. in the end, what is it? it’s simply a measuring tool we use to facilitate our actions in this reality.

i haven’t really gotten into yoga, but my cousin is a yoga instructor who lives in new york. we always have this standing date to do a private lesson when she comes down here but haven’t been able to get together, but it is starting to become a priority. i was thinking about the pain i have and was surprised that i thought i would miss it once it fades away. you know how when you live with something for so long it just becomes a part of you, and when it leaves you really notice it. i guess it speaks to how people cope with it. but i am definitely happier when i feel like i can run at top speed through an open field.

i would love to get together, but you know i have b.cepacia, right? i would never forgive myself if somehow you got that bug. it is the bain of my existence and you CANNOT get it. i had this funny thought of you and i meeting in a place where we’re separated by a pane of glass (like in prison) and talking through phones. ha! then ____ said i should wear a totally germ-free bio-suit. i’m not sure how easy it is to pick up cepacia or germs or anything but maybe if we maintained a certain distance? i wonder what dr. holsclaw would think.

i bought some of the books you reccomended, can’t wait to dig into them.

Brian McTear to me

Feb 13, 2009

So you were brought up catholic too? Wow! Craziness! I went to catholic school til 8th grade.

I’ve always considered myself more spiritual than religious. Even as a kid, the politics and heirarchy seemed wrong. My dad would mumble curses about the priest and the pope during church, so I had that influence. As I grew up I became much more sensible, letting my own judgement about things, based on my own morals, my own sensibilities, trump the church and I think that by the time I was in high school, I was completely past catholicism.

What I’m really into is the creative power of the mind. I really love creativity, which of course applies to art and music, but much more so to things like “having a creative outlook on life”, or “creating your inner and outer surroundings”, etc. I think all my thoughts on time, for instance started with the Seth Material, but built into Seth’s approach to everything is this admission that we really each create our own rules and reality. So whatever I make up in my mind is mine to keep. It’s like Star Trek, the way they’ve created this world with systems, science, jargon, etc. To me that’s fun. So I’ve built and know and understand this whole reality that I don’t necessarily “BELIEVE”, but I get it and I can live in it and it’s a system that keeps providing consistent results.

And again, it’s fun. It’s fun to think that time is filing cabinet and really I am much more than just the physical me, that there’s whole parts of the greater, more complete being of which Brian is one small part (one spoke on the wheel), that I have “past lives”, “future lives”, and even other “concurrent lives”. I don’t know what they are, I don’t really seek out the answers, but it effects how I live and treat people, etc.

I really want to get back up and going with yoga. It is meditative, sure, but phsyically it’s so so good.

Well, some day let’s have a picnic or something. Bring a bagged lunch to Penn Treaty Park…. We’ll have a 6 ft rule. We can ask the Dr’s., too. See what the say. If they say no, we’ll figure out something.

Devin and were talking a few weeks ago about how there must be a “super nice” gene that CF people have. He said we both have it!

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 22, 2009

being a musician i’ve seen some crazy shit, and i’m assuming you have too. over the years my life has quieted down a lot while at the same time a lot of my friends lives have amped up. i went up to nyc with my best friend tonight to visit our buddy who was having a party at his place. normally i wouldn’t have gone but i wanted to get out and have a bro-down, know what i mean? as we were walking up to his place a realization started to take place in my mind. 1. he’s single 2. he lives with another single guy 3. he drinks and smokes 4. it’s 30 degrees out.

so of course all of my worst fears come true and to make matters worse his roommates friends are all wannabe DJ’s so there’s tons of dudes in lebron james jerseys rolling and smoking blunts and i’m like trying to stay warm by the grill on the porch wondering how i didn’t realize this. well, i made it through the night and i made my friend leave early. aside from the obvious nightmare of a physical situation for me it was good to hang with my friends and get out for a little.

anyways to make my point. it fucking sucks that i can’t go balls out anymore, you know? do you ever get pissed off about that? i know it’s not a good feeling to carry, but when i see all these kids my age letting loose and going crazy and i’m like having a mini-panic attack at my friends party cause i don’t want to suffocate…you get the picture.

Also, we were talking on the way back from the city about what happens when you die and his opinion is that we all just get recycled back into nature, that we’re all organic beings and that what we live is what we get. i just can’t buy that. i can’t. how can all the people who get a short stick, how can that be it for them? i mean, all things considered i have it REALLY good and i’m bitching about how i can’t get wasted. there are people who suffer beyond my comprehension. this can’t be their only experience.

ah man, sorry to go off on you like this but i think you’re the closest person i know who can understand these types of things. thank god for that “super nice” gene!

Brian McTear to me

Feb 22, 2009

Hey man,

I HEAR YOU!

Admittedly, I’m a little older than you, so I might be a little more okay with settling down….had my share of craziness, and it just doesn’t turn me on the way it once did. I also can’t help but wonder every now and then how much my own little party life (which was mild at best) and all the time spent in smokey bars (a good year or two straight, if you add it up I’m sure) is responsible for the issues I face with my lungs these days. But I really don’t have regrets.

Still though, nothing sucks more than taking an invite to someone else’s environment, then realizing they don’t have a concern in the world, yet their shit could make your really sick! It’s been happening to me more and more.

The weird thing about life, and I think your conversation with your friend points to this, is that I don’t think it can be understood until it’s in danger. I really think that most people contemplate life and death when they are young in moments where they are drunk or high. The conversation doesn’t yield quality results, I think, as you’ve seen. Nothing against anyone: but you and I, and people faced with the concept of mortality when we wake up, when we eat lunch and when we go to sleep have a much richer sense of life. Your average healthy person can have religious or “pop” senses of life and death at best, but I just don’t think that is very real. I mean, he’s right about what happens to the matter part of your being, but you probably were meaning to talk about more than that.

Here’s a nice way to think of life and death…. I am not sure I BELIEVE IT, but that’s a whole other conversation….I can definitely imagine something like this, so I like it:

Outside of physical reality, where there is no time, we just ARE. Physical life is like a travel package, a vacation into the world where all things are experienced along a time line, allowing concentrated experience and understanding. It’s your own creation and it’s probably super trippy and surreal, by the standards of timelessness. And there’s probably an awareness that physical life has all sorts of details that are simply illusion, but you go for it, anyway. It’s intense. You can choose to live anywhere along the time line, ie. historical setting, and you can even do it with a friend as well… Or you can split off into several “lives” and experience all different things in all different settings and walks of life, which is probably most common. You can be a good guy, a bad guy… It’s your choice (and consequently, I think “good” and “bad” are simple terms related to physical reality. Probably don’t mean much outside of it).

Anyway, when a life runs up, your physical awareness shifts back in the eternal present, and probably for what seems like a few seconds (because you are still on “physical time” kinda like jetlag) you go, “whoa… Wait… Oh shit! That was crazy!”. You were never cheated, you chose that package for a reason. Life is the ultimate expression of creativity, and every life is an achievement.

That probably sounds like a speech in a Lifetime movie! Or from the rad cool kid in an After School Special!

Take care, man! Do you have a blog? My girlfriend Amy likes to say, “If you have problems, blog it out!” She’ll tell the cats to “blog it out” if a scuffle occurs. (It’s silly, and of course she doesn’t blog, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have problems). I’ve been wanting to find a place to write about time and reality and all this fun stuff, and maybe a blog is the way to go. Maybe we can co-author a blog about life!

B

Brian McTear to me

Feb 22, 2009

I hope I don’t just seem like I’m spewing for the sake of spewing.

What do you think about life and death? Like, what did you say to him about this stuff?

(and it’s only been a minute or two since mentioning it in my last post, but I really like this idea of Brian and Bobby’s Life and Death Blog!… Two pen pals with CF who actually live within two miles of each other, and have a lot of the same friends. We could just post our emails!)

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Feb 22, 2009

No, not at all! I love talking about all of this stuff. It’s been on the forefront of my mind a lot with all the different books I’m reading. I think a lot of my friends are like, “uh-oh here he goes again…” when I start talking about it with them. I have a feeling they think I’m overly concerned about death because of my situation. Obviously it serves as a catalyst for why I’m thinking about it but in general I just love the topic.

I actually do have a blog! It’s a dream blog that I haven’t updated in almost a year, but there is some good stuff in there I suppose: http://robertcwolter.blogspot.com. We should totally blog it out! I wonder if these conversations could be of use to other people with CF or other similar illnesses. (on another note, I’ve always wanted to give back to the CF community somehow and one of the ideas I had was to have adults with CF made available to newly diagnosed kids parents to answer questions and just have some sort of correspondence. Everyones situation is different but not knowing what to expect must be pretty terrifying for new parents. I know my parents would have probably liked to have had some kind of support, especially since I was diagnosed so late.)

The conversation with my friend really didn’t lead anywhere. He keeps his emotions pretty close to his chest. It’s exactly like you said, until you’re confronted head on with your own mortality it’s hard to speak on, it’s not a reality for him.

Although I’ve been really close to cashing it in, I can’t say I’ve had any kind of near death experience or anything like that, but what I do have is a feeling that this isn’t it, that my body is just a body and this is just my “earthly” experience. What is after this life, I can’t say for sure, no one can, but I know there is something. I think that humans will constantly progress and evolve. If you think about technology and forms of communication, it is constantly getting smaller, faster, smarter. One of the things my friend said was that it was a shame to waste so much brain power in this life. I think that’s true, there is so much that can get accomplished. I’m a firm believer in if you can think it you can create it, like you were talking about in previous emails. So I do think humans are part of nature like everything else and constantly evolving and will reach different levels of existence as “time” moves “forward”.

I also wonder if relatives mean anything in the next life. Does blood translate to the next life? Does it mean anything? Like you were saying, can we choose who we can live in this world with? I definitely think that there are lessons to be learned in every life we live. I really do think dreams are little windows into what the mind can truly accomplish. I think they also serve as recycling centers for our daily experiences but if you really dissect them you can learn a lot about yourself and others. They’re like your super-intuitive instincts.

Do you blog it out?