Robert Wolter to Brian

May 11, 2009

Hey Brian,

I dunno if you’ve talked to Dev or not, but I’m back in the hospital. Dr. Holsclaw and I really had it out last week about my health. Well I don’t know if it’s just a result of him being older and refusing to change his ways or me just finally giving in, but I’m more committed to getting my health SUPERIOR to what it’s been so I can be out of here. I pasted an email I wrote to friends and family that I wanted to share with you. I’m not sure if you ever feel this way or not, but it’s definitely something I realized I struggled with:

hey everyone.

i wanted to write this email after a little bit of rough day. throughout my life living with CF there have been moments of realizations that my health has changed and the routines and quality of life will be different. today was another one of those moments. i fear that this email will come across as needy or selfish but i feel the need to express the anxieties i have with my evolving health status.

for a long time treatment for my CF was pretty simple. i got sick, went into the hospital for a quick two week “tune-up” of IV meds and extra chest physical therapy and i was pretty much back to my old self. as i’ve gotten older my situation has gotten much more complicated (and extremely frustrating). it’s become a juggling act on how to treat my CF in the best, most logical way. it’s not easy for me, for my doctors, and i’m sure all of you guys. lately when i’ve come into the hospital for treatment for one reason, other complications arise which force me to have longer hospital stays. i’ve come to realize that a big frustration and source of anxiety for me is trying to answer the questions “when are you getting out”, and “how long will you have to be in there?”. at this point the answer is when my body tells me i am good to go. and a lot of times i simply cannot give an answer. i’m not saying this because i’m mad or frustrated at anyone. but this is another watershed moment in my life where i am realizing the imminent changes in front of me.

as i’m sure i’ve told most of you, i’m the luckiest guy in the world to have all of you who care so much for me and have done so much for me. without you i would be a lot worse off. i’m never going to stop reminding you all of that so you’ll just have to deal with it! i guess my point is that i don’t want to feel like i am letting anyone down by missing out on certain activities of plans. you know that saying, “man plans, and god laughs”. well, for me my life is one day at a time, working like hell to get better and never letting CF get the best of me. i don’t want to sound needy or annoyed, but until today i guess i didn’t realize how hard it was for me to answer the questions of when i’m getting out of here honestly because i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just want you to know that i work hard every day to get myself as healthy as possible. so the treatment of my disease now is sort of like an artists painting. how do you know when it’s done? you just know. i can give general assessments but for now it’s a completely subjective determination.

i hope this email made sense and that you got the jist of what i’m trying to get across. i love all of you guys and know that i can rely on you. and you should know that you can expect the same from me. if you hold your index finger to your thumb that’s about how short life is. and i want to make the most of it with the people i love.

xoxoxo.

bobby.

Anyways, I’ve been following the Weathervane stuff and it seems like you guys are making tons of progress. So what will the end result be, or strive to be?

I just found out about this jazz pianist named Aaron Parks. Good stuff, worth checking out if you are into that stuff. It’s new but sounds really unique unto itself.

Alright hope you are feeling well and everything is good.

Bobby.

ps- i am in a good frame of mind and dont want you to think i’m down and out. i mean, this sux, but on the whole i’m good.

Brian D. McTear to me

May 12, 2009

Hey Bobby,

I am glad you are sending me this. I know just what you mean in your message below and I commend you for so thoughtfully making your point. I am also glad you have so much drive to boost your health. You can do it! I know you can! It sounds like you have renewed patience too, which will help you.

I am glad you are excited about the Weathervane stuff, Bobby. That really makes me feel good.  I am sorry that the explanation for it usually takes so long! That is why I am working on an “introductory video” with Devin right now. So hopefully when it’s up it will explain the whole thing really well. I can only hope at this point.

The end goal is to improve the state of music in our culture and in doing so, to reset the bar on the potential careers that independent artists can strive for. It’s all going to shit right now. Everyone seems okay with the fact that artists have no chance of making a living anymore. Even artists! That needs to be changed.

We hope to achieve our goals with a couple projects, the first (and most likely our “main” project for years to come) is the Weathervane Project Series (I hope to come up with a better name….). Basically, we find great artists and provide studio resources and production staff to record their music. These projects are also documented in a series of videos made for the web. With video we can cover some important aspects of recording that maybe the average person might not understand. Slowly over time, I hope that we can raise the cultural understanding of music, the artist’s vision and the production process. The more people understand, the more they will appreciate, we hope. So if it all works, we provide a really unique opportunity, as well as resources and exposure for the artists, and we educate the public in the process.

I think it could work. For right now, I am pretty much choosing a small handful of artists myself. There will probably be 4 to 6 this year, and the selection is all but wrapped up. But the real push in this start up year is to get the idea out there, and to bring as much exposure to the organization as possible. Moving forward, the series will be curated by a different well known figure each year. As an example, I always say it could be curated by a great musician like Kevin Sheilds from My Bloody Valentine, or even someone who’s NOT a musician, like, say Quentin Tarrentino. This person would head up the selection process for that single year, and the fact that it’s a different person annually will easily push the focus in a different direction that year from the previous year.

Ultimately I hope we can build a campus like facility in Philadelphia (around the Wissihickon, I hope) that has studios, video production studios, and artist residences, so the series can happen in an “artist retreat” like setting. I went to a boarding school, and I always kind of imagine that when I picture it. I think that the city itself would benefit greatly, as it would essentially host what we hope are an elite group of artists every year. Think about the attitude people have about Philadelphia now! It would slowly change and much for the better, if every year say, 10 or 12 groups (that could be 50 people!) have this experience! … This is a WAYS off, but it’s kind of the original vision for the whole thing, anyway.

There’s other project ideas coming along the pike, as well. A very simple one, for instance: I want to build a catalog of unreleased material from great artists. The music will be “donated” by the artist for whatever period of time we can agree on, and we’ll in turn give it as gifts to new donors/members. So what it does is allow artists to donate their music, while hopefully receiving a great deal of exposure in the process. It could be a good way to promote an upcoming record, for instance. And if we are lucky, I could imagine a really huge artist, partially out of support, but also in order to be a part of the good vibes WV has, donating a song and really helping us raise our membership. Like if Pearl Jam had a new record coming out and they were planning to release a song for free, maybe we could ask them to release it through us for the first day. We could put a $2 download price tag on it, and benefit from the race to hear it first. They were probably not planning on making money from the song anyway, so they won’t miss a couple thousand bucks, but meanwhile they are supporting something cool. I just need to plan this out. This will probably get off the ground late this year or early next… I hope.

I also want to  start a high school level summer seminar, or something of the sort, in which we teach concepts of music production and engineering in a studio setting.

Phew. I look up at the paragraphs and paragraphs above and feel like such a wind-bag! I hope it gets the idea across!

So let me know if you need anything else while you are in there. I could bring things to Marianne and Giovanna. It would be my sincere pleasure, as I’d feel like I could do something nice for you.  Maybe I’ll look for some books? Music? You need a guitar or anything? Drum sticks?  Something to bang on?

B

Brian D. McTear to me

May 15, 2009

I hope all’s well. I saw that picture on your facebook page of you in the hospital…looks like you are in a rough patch. I am doing my best to send the positive healing vibes of the universe

Love,

Brian

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 16, 2009

Hey! That pic was taken the night i came into the hospital. The past two days everyone has been telling me how much better i look, so i am definitely not in that place anymore. and i can feel your vibes for sure. emily’s mom has come down a few times this hospital stay and done some spiritual healing work on me. you should talk to emily about that actually, you might find it really helpful. i imagine you can get pretty stressed out and she also is a massage therapist. anyways i’ve been working on an email to send to you so i am going to try to finish that.

xoxo

b.

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 13, 2009

Hey Bri,

So I’ve been kind of obsessing over death recently. I’ve been talking to my friends and family a lot about it. Things like where I want to die and what I want after I die. (This, of course is if I don’t die from CF or there comes a cure or medication that profoundly extends my life). I don’t expect them to react lightly to these discussions and needless to say it freaks some of them out. I hope in the back of their minds they take me seriously, though.

Anyways, one thing that continues to swim in my mind is the concept of living on borrowed time. If there weren’t all these medications and therapies and knowledge about and for the human body I definitely would not be here today. Does that mean I’m living on borrowed time? Or, just like advances in any other science (recording, architecture, flying) does it just make that particular art better? No one thought Andy Warhol’s screen prints were art when he was doing them but look how the mindset has shifted. Michealangelo didn’t have the tools that are available today but does that mean there isn’t a sculptor as talented as he was? I suppose I answered my own question. Life shouldn’t be measured by time. However long one ends up living isn’t borrowed or taken I suppose, but it’s a gift.

As I’ve gotten older and less healthy I feel the need to develop and have strong relationships with people. In a way I feel like it’s putting my stamp on this world. I remember when I used to come into the hospital and I wouldn’t get along with a certain nurse or just have a bad attitude. There would be certain quirks about them that would make me distant or silent. Now my desire to befriend everyone I meet is insatiable. It’s funny how I walk around the hospital now and I pretty much know every person who works or walks around on this floor, and I say hi to every one of them. It’s kind of weird when I come in here because despite the reason I’m here I feel like they are genuinely happy to see me.

You know, I’ve been thinking about Jesus the past few days. A lot of my family is really Christian and so are some friends of mine. And it got me thinking about the whole concept of religion. If people believe that Jesus is God, then what’s the difference in just believing in a God? His teaching’s are “God-like” but humans distort his teachings to persuade people to follow them. Religion comes from within I think and we are part of a collective.

talk to u soon…

b.

Brian D. McTear to me

May 14, 2009

Hey -

Thinking about dying is weirdly comforting, and I am sure you know I am not trying to sound morbid. Every time, for instance, that I get on an airplane, I press my forehead against the window and think about it for the entire flight. It’s not depressing, and it’s certainly not about self-pity. It’s just interesting to contemplate, and since it’s at least a somewhat familiar topic, one that normally brings a lot of fear to others, I don’t know…it is nice that it doesn’t, sometimes. Does that make sense? Regardless,  it still makes me a little sad hearing you talk about it, even though I know the obsession.

You mention “borrowed time” and I know what you mean, but what an array of counter-concepts there are on this one! I mean, on one hand you could say that science is only giving us back what’s been “unfairly” taken away! I can almost say with certainty that this is how my parents would feel, or our friends, or Marianne and Giovanna, Dr. H and Dr. H! I don’t like this one, because I don’t want to feel like a victim.

And while life can be romanticized as being a gift that really implies God as the giver… I don’t know why this makes me slightly wince. I guess I want God to be inside me, and inside you….inside everyone (the “collective” you talk about). Not just “I’m thinking about this thing, his name is God… HE’s in my heart” etc, but “I did this!”… “I make my existence”… This is not exactly a choice or anything, but I want to feel that some part of me, really deep down and really objectively aware, decided on this life for some reason. I want to trust that, and do my best to “go with it”, even though a lot of it really sucks sometimes.

I fully agree with you about relationships. Knowing and loving is so important, and I have to tell you that this relationship you and I have made is so incredibly important to me. I feel so lucky that the two of us, never having met in the flesh actually know each other and care about each other in such a unique way! And I know what you mean about relationships with our caregivers. Marianne and Giovanna must wonder why I used to come in once a year, and maybe went a couple years without coming in at all, but then a couple little things happen and I want to come in all the time!

On a somewhat related note, any time I hear people say bad things about doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc., it makes me terribly angry, as I feel like I can attribute my very survival over the last ten years to these very people!  Don’t get me wrong, the system has a lot wrong with it, but there is simply no way I am going to say bad things about our doctors!

Part of the thing with “Jesus” as opposed to “God”, and the reason the concept is not fully transitive (ie. If a=b and b=c, then a=c) is that even the purest of heart want to retain “ownership” of their God concept, and God in general. I think it’s a great innovation of Christianity that “WE ALL should know and love Jesus”, but secretly, “ONLY I KNOW Jesus, really”… And maybe “Jesus” is sort of a brand name when it comes to God. Jews, Muslims, and Christians all believe in God, but Jesus is the special brand of Christianity.

I hope I don’t sound like a jerk, or dismissive. Again, for me I want to believe that we’re all part God… Both the same God, and our own little unique God as well. I guess that’s ME wanting to retain ownership of my God concept, too!

I hope you feel good today! Let’s talk soon! I want to show you the songs we’ve recorded for WV. They were just mastered yesterday!

Love, B

Robert Wolter to Brian

May 16, 2009

It’s interesting to me how you feel so strongly about taking ownership for your existence and not letting an outside concept or philosophy dictate your thoughts on the meaning of your life. Being the victim was never a mindset i took on and I wonder if that’s ingrained genetically in us or if it’s how we were raised. My parents never let me use CF as an excuse for not doing what I wanted and they’ve always been the greatest of supporters emotionally and physically. I was talking to a psychologist about this concept and there is strong evidence gained from studies that nurture plays more of a role in how people face adversity than nature. For instance, people who had a physical impairment at birth or were taken from their mothers after birth have much higher instances of criminal behavior later in life. But nothing is black and white, look at Oprah and others who have lived through such dire circumstances and have gone on to have amazing success.

About thinking of death, someone recently told me about the writings of a samurai. since they faced their own mortality on a day to day basis one of his teachings was to meditate on your own death for a certain amount of time every day. The purpose of this was to be prepared so that when your time to die is in front of you, it isn’t such a traumatic experience. When I heard this I felt really relieved because that is subconsciously the reason for why I do think about it. We both deal with the reality of our time on this earth more than most people. I think this is sort of a blessing in a way and I am grateful for that unique perspective on life that it gives me.

I could not agree with you more about Doctors and Nurses. At least with my experience, almost every person I have encountered in the medical field has been amazing. There’s no way for me to talk about it without sounding really really sappy but it’s the truth. I find the work these people do so incredible. The amount of time and energy and emotion they sacrifice goes above and beyond normal limits. If there are such things as angels then they are the earthly incarnation of them. There are a lot of flaws with the system for sure, but the people who are treating, caring for and working in the system are truly inspiring.

alright talk to you soon.

b.

Brian D. McTear to me

May 16, 2009

I like that thing you mention about Writings of a Samurai… I am going to have to check it out. You are right. This is exactly what we do. My music for years was almost entirely about dying. It was actually mostly brought about at the time by the death of my dear friend, Sara Weaver (she died of Leukemia in 2002), but really loss of her made me think a lot about my own passing.

Likewise about the parents and the upbringing… My family made me the “star child”. I felt like the featured event in everything I did. I even feel like it was a little damaging to my younger brother, though he says otherwise today (I am one of seven, by the way, with a youngest sister who also has CF).  But there was a time when I was about 10 years old where my doctors thought I should go to the Children’s Seashore House in Atlantic City. They said it was like Summer Camp, only in a loosely “hospital-like” setting. It felt more like the institution in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I was supposed to stay for three weeks, but the place and some of the people just freaked me out terribly. When I begged and pleaded to leave, my parents told my doctors that they were going to pick me up (after just 5 days), to which the doctors admitted they were a little concerned that my parents were “in denial” about my condition. The experience really solidified the family approach to raising Brian with CF. In a nutshell, it could be summed up as, “Don’t let anyone tell you that CF means you can’t have a normal life.” Of course, as the circumstances present themselves we have to roll with it, but I am not sure I would have ever had a band, written songs, sang on a stage … These are the most profoundly enjoyable experiences of my life. I am very grateful for their approach!

I can’t wait for you to hear SUNSET, too. If you like Blood Feathers, you are going to love this song. One of the best experiences any of us has ever had in the studio!

B