Robert Wolter to Brian

Jun 8, 2009

I am just taking it day to day, you know? I feel like I’m in a good place in my life spiritually and mentally so that is what really gets me through the hard times. Sometimes I feel like I come across as depressed or complaining or something but I don’t want you to think that. It IS hard sometimes and there are some very difficult moments but my situation in this life really has shaped who I am and over the past few years I’ve been able to take these challenges and dictate how I will let them affect me.

Fortunately I am going to be eligible for SS/Disability and I’ll get a check every month.

I am really excited to work on all of these creative projects!

I wanted to ask you kind of a personal question, and feel free to let me know if you don’t want to share, I wont be offended at all. You and Amy have been together for a long time, right? Has your CF had any ramifications on your relationship? As I’m still going through all different kinds of emotions and thoughts on my break-up with _____, I feel like my CF definitely played a factor in our parting ways. In the end, it really was for the best but I keep thinking that if I was healthy things would have turned out differently. Probably not, but then when I think about any sort of future relationship I get a little anxious wondering if there is someone out there who could deal with my whole situation. Anyways, I’m not fishing for sympathy or anything, just a little perspective on what it’s like for another person in a similar situation. And also, if you don’t want to talk about it, that is totally cool.

Ok hope you’re well.

love,

b.

Brian D. McTear to me

Jun 9, 2009

Hey

Well, I am glad you can have a day by day approach. I find your attitude inspirational, Bobby. And you know, even though you do NOT come across as depressing or complaining, let me just say that we’re all entitled to “down moments” and a complaint session every now and then. So if you want to “break character” and be a little pissed off, please don’t apologize. I think we should agree that anything goes in that department for both of us.

Also, I am okay with anything as far as posts go. I wouldn’t mind posting THIS message.

I had a relationship come to an end when I was 26, just as a great friend suffered a terrible terrible tragedy, my band of 8 years was just breaking up AND I was starting to have hemoptysis for the first time (which was really hard for me). My girlfriend at the time was a great woman, and though she was a few years older than me, she had never been in love… Everything about it made me feel like it was all meant to be forever.  the relationship was very influential on who I am today, honestly, for lots of reasons, so it was hard to understand why we were breaking up. But she was also Indian and Muslim, and came from a family with some pretty heavy internal baggage. In the midst of what I was going through with my health, I just couldn’t help but feel like it was because of that, but with all the time since, I really think it was more than that.

Shit. That seems like it’s made up when I go back and read it. Swear to god…it all happened. Her name was Sabina (I could probably insert a facebook profile link here, but we’ll save that for the blog, right?)

I don’t know what to say about the way things ended for you and _____ except that there’s probably more to it than just your health. That’s certainly a dominant detail in your life and probably a biggy in the relationship, but there’s also the whole rest of your history, with and without eachother. None of it makes breaking up any less sucky. Having said all that, I don’t think it should be a forgone conclusion that you won’t be able to meet someone else. No matter what your situation you will meet someone else for whom you are right and who is right for you RIGHT NOW. Long relationships always have history working for and against them, but new relationships start in the present, which really gives the past and future a run for their money.

So are you in at Devin and Ali’s? Are you going to keep living there? I guess why wouldn’t you? Not working shouldn’t change any of that. Let some light in that place, though. You need sunlight! Get outside. Take walks! Please try yoga with someone who will be mindful of your condition. I swear, it is great and you will feel better. “Better” is better than “same”, right?

B

Robert Wolter to Brian

Jun 9, 2009

Man, I totally understand where you’re coming from as far as putting your partner through crazy situations.

The truth is, I always felt really guilty for the long hospital stays that would leave _____ alone at home and having to maintain the house and take care of all of the animals. On the flipside, I would always lobby for us to simplify our lives regarding all the animals to eliminate stress not only for me, but also for _____. In the end, we just had different perspectives on what kind of lives we wanted to live and (at least this is the way I feel) she wasn’t willing to budge on anything. It always had to be on her terms. But she was there for me in my darkest moments with my family at times when people thought I wasn’t going to make it and I can’t imagine the pressure of those situations. There were a lot of other factors as well and I don’t blame my CF for the breakup, just a piece of the puzzle.

This whole experience has made me truly question the existence of a “soul-mate” or the idea that you can spend your whole life with one person. I feel like I fall in love with people all the time and I wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to share something with someone because I was in a committed relationship. At least that’s the way I feel now, it will probably change as time passes.

Being close to my family right now is really helpful and makes me feel safe in case anything crazy were to happen. I do want to start doing Yoga and figure out ways to improve my lung function and really work at it. The Cepacia is a royal pain in my ass though and every day is a different challenge.